Well done and thank you for sharing. I suspect there always were many people who put the family first and others need to be made aware of this option.

It is not an alternative that the family law industry would suggest because it does not result in jobs for counsellors and lawyers (buzzards who feast on the limited family cake).

Maybe if we put as much resources into family studies as we do into women's studies the alternative of family first (no, not the political party) could be better promoted. At least I hope so.

I must say I found the author's candour refreshing. In these kinds of situations, common sense and respect for your former partner tend to be the first things to fly out the window, so I'm glad to see that a rational solution is possible.

I just hope more people out there have the fortitude to attempt this kind of solution. With so many marriage breakups occurring, a sensible outlook is sorely needed.

My father gave my mother a hard time in all sorts of ways. He died when I was 16 and life became much easier for my mother and for my young sister and I. [My elder sister was already married and out of it.] Long before his death, I was begging my mother to either leave him, or kick him out. This was in England in the 1940s. According to my mother, neither of these options were feasible in those days.

I married a very pretty girl. What do young people often do? "Wow, I like the look of THAT one". We wouldn't buy a car or get a dog on that basis, would we? No, we'd check out the specifications or temperament.

We weren't suited and after trying very hard to make a go of it [our generation married for keeps!], I found that the only way we could stay married was for me to work away. Some people seemed to assume that it was me working away which caused the rift, but it wasn't like that at all.

So I had no home life, no family life, no love life and no social life, except for socialising with my clients. My only source of appreciation was the compliments I got from clients and regular mentions in company literature for good sales results. Obviously, this couldn't go on for ever.

We split when I was 43. I was young looking and had kept myself in good shape. I was a light drinker and total non-smoker and non-gambler. And I was a good dancer. Men who can dance and are otherwise presentable are always in demand. So all of a sudden I had a great social life and it did me a lot of good.

cont

After a while, I met a lady who had also got out of a bad marriage and we were very good for each other. We were together for 22 years until I lost her a few years ago. I have been fortunate to meet another delightful lady who is also out of a bad marriage and we do each other a lot of good.

I feel very confident that neither I nor these two ladies could have stayed in our respective marriages.

There are children of all three marriages, but all have readily accepted that what happened had to happen. Incidentally, all three ex-spouses re-married, so hopefully things became better for them too.

Some friends of ours have just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. They've lived together, worked together, raised their children together and still go dancing together. They are obviously a very loving couple. To me, this is the ideal. But many of find ourselves in a far from ideal situation and have to choose the best option for ourselves.

Wow, I feel in awe of your family's effort to make such a difficult situation workable. I am going through a similar relationship breakdown at present and we have 1 toddler to consider. I am hoping that our situation turns out as successful as yours, as I know that we both love our son unconditionally, we just dont love each other anymore. What wonderful role models you both are to your children, and I applaud your courage in making your situation work for yourselves and the children. Thankyou as you have been incredibly helpful and insightful to me.

cheers

Wow! That reminds me of Nicola Tesla's oft quoted comment "They said it couldn't be done."

A third option for people who love their children but don't believe in the sanctity of marriage. With sheer guts the author and their wife lived up to the saying "where there is a will there is a way".

That isn't exactly what I'd consider an ideal for marriage and children but it is light years better for children than the usual approach. It demonstrates a profound love and committment for children within the context of a particular perspective on marriage. Normally children's welfare is ignored for convenience and children are dealt with by way of rationalisation rather than valued. For example "what is good for us is good for the children". The approach used was to ask "what is good for the children?" and then pursuing the answer with grit and determination.

Truly a tough journey of the heart.

Ironically, if such a beyond the call of duty passionate determined energy had been directed by both parents toward improving the relationship rather than maintaining the family it would have been easier (theoretically). I recognise though that that would not be possible for people with the author's perspective (believing that loving relationships "irretrievably break down").

Well done. I suspect many would not be mature enough and sufficiently in control of their more destructive emotions to achieve such a result. It is pleasantly refreshing to see that it is possible. Apart from the obvious emotional benefits for the children, it is also far more workable financially, as both parents are working to maintain one abode, rather than two. And it avoids that dread body, the CSA.

David,

I remarkable story and thank you for sharing. Terribly courageous, pragmatic, insightful and mature. Well done for plotting a lesser of three evils.

Can't get my head around that, too complicated for me. Glad you know what you are doing.

I too loved my ex wife until the Harpies from the Marcia Womens Refuge showed up on the scene. Lies in court, lies to the NSW Police, lies to my boys, and nothing but misandrist foaming at the mouth. I hope they all get their just desserts. Destroyers of families and any hope of reconciliation.

A pox and pestilence upon the CSA as well!

At the very least an independent inquiry should be held into these agents of misery. A Royal Commission would be money well spent.

I've manged to hold off career, job opportunities and many things over the past 13 years to care for my great boys. No thanks to the CSA and their harbingers of misery.

In stark contrast to government policy, there are no euphemisms in this definition of shared parental responsibility.

No, its not 'family', but its 'parentchild relationship', which requires a little exploring.

There is a gift at birth, a gift of unconditional love the child brings, which is no more apparent than the first moment between the father when he is there to take his child on delivery into his arms, when this bond founded on babies love is sealed for life...this moment I have witnessed a thousand times as a doctor delivering babies and many times I have seen the parallel with driving force of creation itself.

The reality is that the womans mind is occupied on numerous isssues at this time, difigurement, discomfort, out of control etc and her focus is and should be there and it is not a negative issue, just acceptance of the reality of the moment.

Thus the first 6 years of life in this relationship begins, which is truly only fatherchild bonding, interdependence and commitment...primary foundation is 'giving and returning of love cycle' on which child development thrives, this love is a feeling that is real, as real as the misery if the fatherchild is force separated...

6 to 12 years, when adult characteristics of personality and increasing independence in their ever increasing circle of the world around the father start forming, the woman now has more to relate with the child

12 to 18, this is the womans world where she can truly give the child the practical people skills to child to develop a balance life in adult...

So if you want a child, what you are actually saying is you are now an adult with knowledge and skills of life to achieve a balanced life, and want to impart that to a child of yours and which is natures basic driving force in propergation of species...so keep the promise

Sam

Wonderful article.
No blame, no gender politics ( same can't be said of some of the posters), just a mature and compassionate acceptance of harsh realities and the strength to face them and so find a better way through.
Your kids have two great role models to emulate and that is the most powerful parenting of all.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending 65 bucks on make-up.

I asked how come I had to give stuff up but she didn't.

She said she need the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

Touche Rainier!

David, I admire and respect all you have done and are doing. My husband and I "broke up" our marriage 12 months ago and had exactly the same arrangement as you and Jan. We did our own thing, with our own friends but never without the "permission" of the other. We have only one child, however, it was very important for him not to become a statistic in the world of broken homes. Noél stayed in the family home - in the spare bedroom - and our boy, Elijiah realised what we were doing was to keep the family unit together, although we had our own lives to live as well. Things were going well, however, we made a decision to "try again" as I'm sure many "break-ups" consider. Sadly, things are not looking too great with the reconciliation, so we may be heading back to the original arrangement. Who knows?