I can only speak from personal experience so that is what I shall do.

My partner and I are both 32 and we've been considering our capacity to raise a child since we were 30. The single biggest deterrant to us was the financial difficulty involved in a household where the female is and always will be, the major bread winner.

In October of 2005 after a short time trying we achieved a pregnancy despite our ongoing reservations about job security and financial capacity. We're going to do what our parents did and told us not to do - we're going to 'wing it' and 'make do' and we're looking forward to it.

In many ways I'm far luckier than my partner because in making this decision my biggest worry was money - his worries extended to where he would stand if our relationship was to disintegrate - we both know that in the current system I would likely retain custody and he would be forced to accept visitation rights agreed to in a court of law. In some ways the stakes are so much higher for SOME men and I'm glad so many still want to take on the challenge

Great article - there should be much more discussion along these lines so the issues can be successfully addressed.

I have to say I was surprised by the fact that this article seemed to assume that it was a new thing that men were involved with the reproductive choices of women.

Surely, ever since reliable contraception became widely available, having a child is often planned? And planned between both parents?

Things like: How many children can we afford? When should we start trying? When will our employers pay maternity and paternity leave? What sort of age space should the kids have? If we have two boys or two girls, do we want to try a third time to have both daughters and sons? A fourth time to make pairs? What if we plan on having two children, but the second pregnancy is twins?

Arn't these discussions normal? In long-term, serious committed relationships, isn't discussing reproductive aims USUAL? Certainly, there are many instances when pregnancy is an "oops"... but even then, its often a happy oops, a year or so early oops, but not unwelcome.

Anyway. I was just surprised that this article seemed to be thinking that men having a role in a couple's child-bearing choices seemed a new idea.

Heh. I'm reminded of a story my Grandma tells- her four kids (within six years, yikes!) were all a little older, and all at school, when several women on her street had babies. Feeling clucky, she said to my Grandfather, "gee, wouldn't it be nice to have another baby? I always wanted five or six...?" he said very sternly "If you want another baby, go and play with someone else's for a while! We've got enough of them!"... She never did end up with another bub... :)

shiney, nice post. I did want to clear up what appears to be a misconception.

Nothing in the current system compels mothers to end up with the bulk of residency other than a choice by the father not to be involved in residency. When shared parenting does not occur and the father wants to be an active parent the lack of shared parenting is because of the mothers choices.

I would hope that in the unfortunate situation that your marriage did not last that you would put your kids well being and some concept of fairness ahead of other factors. Then neither of you needs to loose your kids or your ability to have a life. It does not have to be all or nothing if you both care enough for your kids.

I hope it never becomes and issue for you.

R0bert

Another factor is that of paternity. Some estimates of the rate of 'false' paternity have been as high as 10%. However a more realistic figure in Australia is probably around 3% to 5%.

In Australia it is either already illegal or soon will be for someone who suspects false paternity to arrange a test without the consent of the other party, or a court order.

Even if the figure is 3% or 5%, consider this, at least one kid in each of your classes at school was born to a woman who was having sex with someone else than the person who she later claimed was the father.

In the crowded bus on the way to work, there are probably two or three people who are the result of a cheating relationship.

Should men take a 1/20 risk that the children that they could either raise, or pay child support for if the couple split up, are not actually theirs?

It is not the 'fathers' who are creating this difficult situation. Or should men just accept the fact that any child that a woman says is their's is their's, regardless of biology?

So the risk is not just 40% that a marriage will break up, but also 3% to 5% of all marriages are based on false premises.

What price fatherhood?

Hamlet,

I dispute your stats of false paternity in 3% to 5% of cases for Australia. These must be guesstimates only, for as you imply, who tests and measures these things? Even abortion rates are unknown (and how many of those are because of "wrong" paternity?).

It would have to be a least 10%. Of course, this is an average, and the incidence could be a lot higher in certain cases or certain sections of society. In my case it is 33%, but all too late to do anything about it (as if ever we could).

As I said before, mandatory paternity testing with results included on birth certificate, is a must. Anything else reinforces the idea that men are mugs. Making paternity testing illegal (which I accept is reasonably accurate under the current system), is ludicrous. Why do men continue to accept such terms?

I don't know that there's too much that can be done about falling fertility rates. At 35 my wife and I are about to have our first child. We have been together for over ten years and married for seven. If you had really pushed us a few years we might have cited reasons like housing costs or a lack of childcare places or the poor work/home life mix as reasons for not having children. The fact is though that while we are better off finacially than we were 10 years ago, having children is still going to push our finances and curb some of our previous lifestyle choices and we knew that when we did decide to have children a year or so ago.

We just didn't want to have children 10 years ago. We wanted to travel, try a few different jobs, study, go out with our friends and do whatever else we felt like at the time. We wanted to take advantage of and experience all of the opportunities that we saw in front of us and having children pretty much had to come last because if it had come first then none of the other things would really have been possible.

As a new parent I'll appreciate any improvements to society or my family finances to help make child rearing easier but if my wife wasn't 8 months pregnant then I really wouldn't care at all. The world's just changed and rather than trying to change it back I think we just have to adapt to the changed conditions that it brings.