my son is not attracted to women. About 12 or 13 he began searching the internet for help saying he was not attracted to women. He had to discuss this with me since he couldn't drive and I drove him to couseling etc. The unfortunate part is nothing seems to work.
All his friends are "straight", he doesn't drink, smoke, or have any bad health habits whatsoever. He has not been with anyone sexually as I found out from an assesment I managed to obtain.

I even took him to Florida to a physchological group but he said it didn't help. He went to "Narth" foundation which is supposed to help but didn't. Any suggestions?

Dear Lisa,

I have no great wisdom on this matter, but for your son, the questions raised for me are, first, whether there really was any cause for concern about the ‘lack’ of sexual attraction to women in his early years, and second, what factors may underlie his lack of interest now, in his later years.

Because we can only post 350 words at a time, I have moved the ‘clinical’ points concerning those two questions to a second post! Can you jump to that and then come back to this post…?!

Continued:

Only you and your son know if these ideas have any merit. But one article you might look further at is by Dr Nicolisi – who is associated with NARTH (www.NARTH.com ), and I note your got little help from that organisation. His article is specifically about those who get little help in their quest for self-understanding (and sometimes, for reorientation therapy). See http://www.narth.com/docs/whatif.html

I was interested in how he stresses the need for ‘general’ building up of self-confidence and the ability to form trusting relationships – not specifically ‘sexual’ counselling at all. Anyhow, I hope you find it of interest for you and your son. It may take some of the burden of anxiety off him, perhaps let him be a bit less hard on himself. That he is just who is he, and obviously very loved, and that’s a good thing.

Sorry for such a superficial reply, Lisa, within the limits of a message board, but I hope it helps give you some direction and insight.

Regards,

Dr David van Gend

Dear Lisa,

Part 2 of that post:

Some studies find that among 12 year olds – the age you mentioned with your son first ‘not being attracted to women’ – around 50% think they must be gay. To me, that is a nonsense finding, because it is a nonsense question at that age. Why in the world would kids of that age be having any opinion on their sexual attraction when they are still pre-pubescent or only just into puberty? My son is 13, and I doubt very much whether he has any time at all, amongst all his myriad activities, to consider the direction (or even existence) of sexual attraction. By memory, I had no opinion on the subject at that age.

In later years, studies show, the confusion persists but diminishes with time. A major USA study in 1994 found that 8% of sixteen year olds thought they were gay – but that halved by age eighteen to 4%, and halved again by age twenty-five, so that only 2% still thought they were gay.

What that means is that most sexual confusion in adolescents clears away if left to itself.

Now that your son is 22, and from what I understand ‘non-committal’ in any sort of sexual attraction, again that may not be a specific ‘sexual orientation’ problem at all. I wonder if it reflects a broader lack of self-confidence and ability to ‘connect’ with people. Perhaps there are events and relationship ‘wounds’ in his past that leave him with difficulty forming bonds with anyone? I think of one patient with chronic low-grade depression that left him unable to have close relationships for 40 years, and made him think he must be gay. But once his depression was treated, his spark of life and capacity for affection revived beautifully – with a steady girlfriend now part of his new life. I think also of patients with borderline Asperger’s traits, who find great difficulty with relationships; one in fact believes this disorder underlies his self-destructive homosexual lifestyle.

Conclusion – see part 1 of the post!

Cheers,

David van Gend