Required reading for a Monday morning......

Thanks for that Don. And a good chuckle. Here's a few from me. A man we'll call Alan J. No relation to any known person or persons was inclined to pontificate at great length and habitually bully all and sundry.

Anyhow, one day he went too far and hopped into his wife in the most disgraceful way. And that being the straw that broke the long-suffering camel's back, she left him, divorced him, took 70% of their combined wealth and assets, which saw him taking to strong drink and gambling to excess.

Eventually, his manner and habits cost him his career and what was left of his personal fortune. Till he eventually found himself penniless, homeless and just rags on his back.

Wandering down a dimly light Sydney street late one night, where he staggered in front of a fully laden B-double. to be sent flying into the gutter, nearly every bone in his dissipated body broken. Looked to the heaves and cried, Lord, Lord why hast thou forsaken me?

Whereupon a big bass voice boomed from the sky and replied. Some days A.J. you just piss me right off!

Get well soon Don.
Alan B.

Three men, an Aussie, a Pom and an Irishman died the same day in a terrible passenger airline accident. Found themselves all standing before the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted or sent below.

Anyhow, God wandered out to see if he had any new candidates and saw the trio. Anyway, he'd been having a very slow century while Nick was stacking them in down below.

Looked at the sorry looking bunch and said, if you can answer just one simple question I'll admit you in as parolees.

Turned to the Aussie and asked, where is Bondi Beach?

The Bloke scratched his nuts and thought about it then replied, That'll be Sydney? OK replied God in you go, on one of those bottom clouds.

Then turned to the Pom and asked, where is Picadilly square?

The Pom thought for a second or two then inspired by a sudden stroke of unexpected genius, replied, London?

In you go replied God, down there and just right of the Aussie.

Then turned to Paddy and asked, you're Irish, aren't you?

And as the Irishman nodded, said, OK I'll keep this extremely simple, How many L's are there in Can Can?

To which the Irishman scratched his head, thought about it then proceeded to count through all of his fingers and toes a few dozen times. Then finally looked up and said, five hundred and four?

Five hundred and four, questioned a disbelieving God, How in Heaven's name did you arrive at that conclusion?

Easy replied Paddy just counted on my fingers and toes as I Hummed La, La's in my head, to the tune of Can Can. Lalalalalalalaalalalalalala etc. See?
Alan B.

Three merchant Seamen, an Englishman an Irishman and a Scot, shipwrecked together on a tiny coral atoll and lucky to be alive. Realized that their prospects were very limited.

The canny Scot, ventured he would comb the Island's beaches to look for anything that had washed up, which could be used to distil seawater into fresh drinking water?

Halfway around he found a pile of rubbish, seaweed and some flotsam.

He scratched and dug, found an old teapot or some such and one that still held water. great, he mused, as he saw the possibilities in a long spout and several plastic bottles? Returned to his companions, saying, look what I've found!

The Englishman looked askance and said, give that ere. By goom that looks like a silver antique of significant value.

Never mid all tha' replied the Scot. we just need something to boil water. and who are we going to sell it too out here?

Moot point, replied the Englishman rubbing the side of the Teapot with a damp sleeve, to see if it was silver. Whereupon a big cloud of smoke erupted from the spout and caused the inquisitive Englishman to toss in in fright as they all lept backwards away from the billowing cloud of smoke.

Which dissolved rapidly into a giant being, who claimed, I am Hellidon the Great and a genie. And I've been trapped in that vessel for forty thousand years. Now I am free and for your reward, I will grant every one of you a wish.

The canny Scot first to recover his wits, replied, Och Aye, I wish to be hame at ma own hearth, wi', ma wee wifey and barins. No sooner the words had left his lips than with a poof of air, he was gone.

The Englishman now back in full possession of his wits, exclaimed, I'll have what he just ha and poof he to was gone. The Irishman turned and looked around, scratched his head and said, it's lonely here now, I wish those two fellas were back here.
Alan B.

@runner

What do ya reckon about:

(II) "Why God Didn't Receive an [Australian Research Council] ARC Grant"?

Old bloke about 85, goes to see Dr Dr. orders Xrays and blood tests. results come back and Dr. says tsk tsk, I'm sorry old timer, you're going to have to give up sex!

Wadda mean Doc, replies the oldie, talking about it or thinking about it?

Q: Best way to get kids to use their brains?
A: Tell them it's an app, they'll soon learn to use it.

Old lady goes to see Dr. with wind problem. Explains, there's one consolation, at least it doesn't smell when I pass wind.

I see said the Dr. his nose wriggling of its own violation as he scribbles on a script pad. Take these he tells her, then come back in a fortnight.

Fortnight later, the lady is there again complaining that not only, is the wind problem no better, but now smells to high heaven. Good replies the Dr., that's got the nose fixed, now let's see what we can do about that wind.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.
Alan B.