To David f.

I agree that marriage should be taken seriously. I've never argued to rush into marriage. However I would still say to not fool around until there's a commitment that's been established. How many marry because they got pregnant, or got someone else pregnant? That said this topic is about later on in a relationship. When divorce is an issue. It's a worthwhile enough topic to not be side tracked, because it happens often enough for many reasons.

Dear NNS,

In telling teenagers not to fool around you are ignoring human nature in favour of your religious strictures. There is no good reason for them not to fool around.

To David F. There are plenty of good reasons to advise teenagers to not fool around. And though it is harder to hold that kind of restraint, having that as your starting foundation will help.

Sex helps hold a relationship together. Kind of makes a bond that is easily seen as the love and commitment of the couple. However in a failing relationship, sex might be the bond that holds that failing relationship until it has the chance to do a greater amount of harm.

Here are 4 lessons for you to consider from 3 of my closest friends and myself. I doubt I'm the only one who sees these lessons in life.

•In one relationship not long after highschool the woman became pregnant. The man wanted to commit himself to her, bought a ring and was ready to propose, but the woman after finding out she was pregnant ran back to her parents a fair distance away. The guy had made jokes in passing conveying he never wanted children, and even with his change in attitude, it's not a far stretch to see her descide to run back to her family for help in light of those jokes. She would not talk to my friend when he tried to reach her, and in light of this he never got the chance to propose. It was only discovered later that a second reason could be named. She didn't know who the father was. So yes fooling around harmed that relationship in more then one way.

(Continued)

(Continued)

•Another example is from later in life. Late 20s or so. After several relationships come and go. One couple is formed after meeting on the Internet. The dating site was offering a free month so they decided to meet when the free period was over for one of them. They got to know each other a little bit before they started to love each other in a more physical way. It was a short relationship before they decided to get married. But if they had gotten to know each other more before the marriage, (and weren't biased about each other because of sex). They could have avoided a divorce 3 years later. They might not have gotten married or they could have been better prepared when they did get married.

•A third lesson mirrors the second one in what it teaches. But this time the couple weren't married yet but were engaged, when one of them had a job opportunity that was far away. They both move out there being each other's only support they knew. But because of this dynamic, one of them wanted more space and distanced them self from the other, while the other who moved out there without any job prospects or people to know, tried to cling harder to the one they traveled with. This was a sad relationship to hear deteriorate over the phone long distance. And again looking back, I doubt they would have jumped into the relationship so quickly had they not been having sex. Their personalities were different.

(Continued)

(Continued)

•The forth lesson is my own. And though I won't go into the details as much, I will say the end result. Mistaking sex as part of the commitment of a relationship blinds a person when they put forth as much as they can in the relationship (out of love? Or out of ignorance?) while the other puts little or no effort into the relationship. If there wasn't fooling around going on, the relationship could build on opportunities for both to commit to each other, and strive in their efforts for each other. Or walk away earlier because it is seen that it was not with the effort to at least one of them.

The lessons I've watched or experienced are enough to sober me against sex in early relationships, and would be enough for me to recommend to the next generation the conclusion of the lessons. Wait until there's commitment in the relationship before blinding the couple with sex. Or having the potential of pregnancy.

David F. This part of the conversation is an extension of an earlier one you and
I had that talked about sex in teens. But it over laps this conversation in the influence to marry. In my observations sex has added to the element of marrying too soon. And in some of those relationships that relationship is more brittle and easier to break in divorce. It's not the only reason for divorce. There are many.

I agree with you that marriage should not be considered lightly. Or entered lightly. However even with those that are approached with a stronger relationship or a commitment; divorce sometimes happens for other reasons. Some hard and valid reasons. Others not so much. So with that in mind I would encourage you to talk about the other side of this conversation. Elements of divorce, and input for when to end a marriage, or when to hold strong in the difficult times. Let the other conversation go. Taking marriage lightly is related but shouldn't be the only focus. Divorce happens to strong relationships too, because of grief or betrayal among other causes. (Losing a child, or cheating on each other).

Though you're not a theologian so I still would like to hear from Peter about theological elements regarding divorce.