I wonder how often conflict over parenting styles get turned around and distorted.

In some families, it is the father who is given the role of being the one whose role is to apply discipline. Such setting boundaries.

In a functional relationship both parents support each other, even if they disagree, in a dysfunctional relationship one undermines the other. Nothing better than setting the other parent up to look bad.

Jacksun if you know it all, why bother requesting 'help' as you termed it, a few days ago ie "Can anyone help"?

If your main focus is 'Adam' out of love and profound concern, why bother wasting your time entering into debates with other people who are not focussing on assisting you directly regarding Adam's situation residing with his father in shared custody.

I put myself out there for you, a few days ago, willing to take the time and disclose my identity to a complete stranger on line, to benefit 'Adam'.

You were more concerned about yourself, identity and reputation in your response refusing assistance in your defensive mannerisms.

Best of luck Jacksun in your future endeavours to assist your nephew when you have not;

(a) married a controlling individual for 20 years and further, created a family [children] with the controlling father
(b) you are non objective - your sister married Adam's father. You have your own history with your ex-brother in law ie are non-objective. This will influence your ability to seek factual assistance from experienced parents who have travelled down that road long before the separation of your sister and/ or affect your ability to view your nephew's true situation within the home with his father on his own.

There is a great deal of acting that is involved and emotional blackmail that, once your nephew is aware, makes the road easier to travel in the interim period.

Strategies were on offer to you, for 'Adam's' benefit.

Instead you chose to be suspicious and distrustful, placing yourself before Adam's needs. There were ways around this issue had you been sufficiently intelligent.

You were too selfish [egotistical] to follow up on a kind giving deed on offer from someone in a professional and personal capacity.

All as a result of protecting yourself.

You put YOURSELF before your nephew.

Thank you Antiseptic - believe it or not, I read your posts after posting. What led me to interfere in this thread was solely 'Adam's' happiness and the quotation of the following words 'I am sure your nephew will be okay'. Jacksun, you omitted to conclude the quotation - IF you follow some strategies that are on offer from someone who has travelled down a similar path as your sister and nephew.

Your family appear to have the answers to your situation if all of your comments to others are genuine.

Self serving is the term you used of others, people who have given a great deal to other Australians on OLO and other forums, out of the goodness of their hearts, sacrificing their time and energy.

Of course people are to a degree self serving,yourself included - you benefit, your sister and nephew benefit. Discussing their experiences and interacting with one another is how OLO long term participants learn and grow.

If you found nothing on this thread to assist your nephew, why bother participating?

The main strategy paramount for both your nephew and his father to enjoy their time together are joint hobbies, ie motorcross riding, grandprix visits, fishing and boating trips/weekends, car racing, football, hanggliding, abseiling, flying, Go-Karting, any activities that are able to be enjoyed together keeping them busy and interacting with many other walks of life.

Recognise, acknowledge and congratulate your ex brother in law every time he has put the effort in for his son, paying the utility bills, paying for his clothes, having a mate over of your nephew's for the weekend, taking him to sport. Fathers do sometimes need more recognition for their time and contribution. Many are not mothers with the same bond or make-up. Chromosomes. Many blokes not having experienced love or attention through a happy childhood, later value their marriage and family being all together a great deal more than a person who has enjoyed this part of their life previously.

When this is taken away or the marriage falls apart jointly, most people take years to deal with the break up and at the same time, children are suffering in the interim, while those parents are dealing with the pain and loss of control in their lives.

Keeping Adam's father busy in his little bit of spare time is paramount ie Dad and Son could enjoy swimming of an evening together, cricket at the oval or bike riding. If no-one on either side of the family, or mates of Adam's father, are able to suggest or include both of them in additional activities, life will be hard for both of them.

Hopefully, Adam's father has some mates to include them both in weekend or holiday time sports and activities.

One other point I had forgotten to raise Cotter in your role as Grandmother.

Allow your daughter to strengthen herself during her life journey violence or no violence without family interference. Sure, support, however ultimately your daughter should be making her own decisions to stand up to mental and physical outbursts/violence.

The only way for any adult to stand up on their own two feet to any person inflicting abuse on another is when the victim no longer plays. By running backwards and forwards your daughter has not as yet learned one of her life lessons.

Adam will have two years before he is able to state legally whether he wishes to stay with his father on a 50/50 basis. In the meantime, I suggest your family start acknowledging the positives that Adam's father is performing in his father/parent role, ask Adam to compliment or thank his father for any positive behaviour, encourage his Dad to allow a mate to stay over from time to time, encourage Adam to request his Dad's participation in the aforementioned activities.

I suggest that Adam not inform his father (at all) of any conversations he has had with his mother.

Encourage Adam to express his feelings without family interference, I suggest no commenting about his father, or gathering of information to be used against his father.

If you all continue to interfere with the sole objective to gain full custody of Adam [and his father knowing this], the outcome may well be a great deal more tragic.

Adam is able to notify the school counsellor and Teacher if mental and physical abuse is occurring in the home with his father, along with DOCS or another parent of a mate's.

Adam is able to file a complaint and lay charges through the police of his own accord, if there is sufficient evidence of physical abuse. If this has not occurred this year or recently, leave them alone to build upon their relationship.

R0bert:”We do need systems where claims of abuse are properly investigated, we do need to ensure that kid's are not placed in (or returned to) the care of someone where there is a genuine risk of that person abusing the child. We also need to ensure that merely making an allegation does not bring benefit to the accuser and harm to the accused if the allegations are not substantiated.”

Agreed + we need a system to put the children in (when they cannot be with their families) that is safe. We do not have that here.

AND it should not be of benefit to any organization to retain the child in care or fail at attempts for reunification. We do have a foster system that profits hugely from the family not regaining custody.

How many custody cases between two parents are these laws affecting compared to custody cases where family vs state? In foster care the ngo’s do continue to benefit from a child being harmed by not substantiating any complaints. Families are considered guilty and children removed on the presumption (not proof) of guilt.

So that whole Westminster thingi… it isn’t practiced here far as I can see.

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/foster-carer-linked-to-sex-abuse-slipped-past-the-barriers-20101212-18u1w.html
"The Supporters of Carers, as the contractors are known, or SOCs, do not need relevant welfare qualifications. The system presents a financial disincentive to report problems because a SOC's income is dependent on the number of children who are placed - and remain - with carers.
An internal investigation found monthly reports on the man and his wife were "cut-and-paste" copies that used "exact statements, quotes and evidence" about their competence taken from another report. The SOC who recruited the man runs 37 carers and earns $15,000 a fortnight, invoices reveal.