I would think that research into de facto relationships is so rare because social science reseachers are normally so biased they don't want the results to be known to the public.

Interesting that research into divorce has found that the majority of people are no happier after the divorce than before the divorce.

However the grass looks greener, so the divorce.

The grass may also look greener with a de facto relationship, but with an average life expectancy of about 3 years, the reality is quite different.

Floatinglili

Why did you assume that he wanted a permanent relationship? This is a serious question, not an insult. My socialisation as a bloke would lead me to assume that the relationship would be temporary.

Vanna

Which research about divorce?

Well said Houelle, I was going to ask Lill something similar.

I got married as a romantic fighter pilot, & divorced as an invalid, a couple of years later. It really wasn't like that, but it will do.

Since then I have had a few of these De facto relationships, a couple of which lasted long enough for the lady to make the same claims that a legal wife could have.

Lill, I did not ever move in with a lady, or ask for them to move in with me. It was simply a matter of fact, that they no longer went "home". This was never a big deal. As I was living on my yacht in Sydney there was no moving in of furniture, just somehow the wardrobe was full.

I never thought I was making cheep sexual use of them, or them of me, [well may be that] I did not even think I was cheep rent, just 2 people found pleasure in each other's company, & wished to maximize the time they spent together.

When I decided I was not the next World Formula 1 Champion, & gave up motor sport, we discovered the lady who could sit beside me, conversing normally, at 100 miles/hour, as I slid through a pine forrest gravel corner, was terrified once she got just a few miles off shore in the yacht. We parted painfully over a few months, but with less hassles than we would if married. Her life was motor sport, & mine no longer was.

Funnily enough, when I found a lady who could sit beside me, conversing normally, while surfing down a huge ocean swell, in a gale, in a cloud of spray, she turned out to be terrified at above 60MPH in a car.

This time I gave up driving fast, but now [35 years later] that she is busy playing grand mother, I have gone back to sliding around corners at 80MPH, if not 100.

Tell me Lill, do you think think we should get married? If so, when?

Benk,
"A person's happiness level drops as she or he approaches divorce and gradually rebounds over time. But the level of satisfaction does not return to baseline (the level of satisfaction felt prior to the divorce.) Although some rebounding does occur in the years immediately following, there are lasting changes. "Instead people's satisfaction ended up .22 to .34 points lower than baseline levels," author Richard Lucas states. "

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/34970.php

I'm sure family law solicitors and feminists don't mind, as long as there is divorce and the breaking of the family unit.

If this - quite rivetting - thread demonstrates anything, it is that the old notions of marriage have pretty much disappeared.

Or probably more accurately, there is no longer a single view of marriage, that is held equally by men and women.

From a historical perspective, I wonder whether this perception-shift began at some recognizable point? That would be useful input, I suspect, to help the analysis of what has changed, who has changed, and why it has changed.

I'd put money on the late Victorian era - the 1890s - when Europe had finally come to terms with the industrial revolution, and women were becoming more socially assertive. The Great War sped this transformation along, and WWII cemented the details - women were to be treated "equally" etc etc.

The change is still incomplete. In fact one wonders how much further it has to go. But in the meantime there are those women who - clearly - feel that they are owed some form of "commitment" by a man, in order for them to function.

Hence the confusion of love, sex, cohabitation, marriage etc.

It certainly is my experience that the partnerships most likely to fail are those where there exists an imbalance of expectations. If a woman is looking for a "commitment", surely she should look for someone who is prepared to make one, rather than just shack up and hope? Whereas a woman who is comfortable in her independence has not the same problem.

Or am I being too simplistic?

And where does free will come into the equation?

Fascinating.

This is OLO at its best. An intelligent stimulus article and a series of contributors who voice opinions based on their experience and thoughtfulness about the issues. Keep it going.