As a possible distraction from the rough and tumble of politics....

Would anyone like to share some humorous experience from the past year ?

I'm sure most of us have had one of those "Huh?" experiences where you would not have believed it could turn out that way...but it did.

Input?

Aww AL, I'm such a BOF that nothing humorous ever happens in my life!

( :>(

Boazy

How about YOU start with a humorous experience of your own?

Too much to ask on a topic of your own instigation?

Dear AGIR,

A new Aldi Supermarket opened in Toowoomba
recently. It has an automatic water mister
to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the distant sound of
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of
charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.

When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread section features the tantalizing smell of
freshly baked bread and cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!

Foxy that was brilliant ! It was how you told it :)

I've often thought of doing that kind of thing with a proximity sensor and voice synthesizer at the 'guide dog' which in our case is just where you go in .. when a person passes it goes 'whine whine' you know..how dogs go when they are sucking up.

Johnny..I did have a humorous experience which blew my mind.. I would not have thought this could happen apart from some seedy reality show.

Imagine.. you go to a public loo in a major shopping centre and as you enter and see no one but 'you' there.. and you approach the urinal to relieve the pressure...then just as ur about to start you hear.. *a voice*..... which seems to be coming from right behind your earlug...

which says "Hello big boy, how are you today?"

ARRRRRRRGGGGGH... I just about collapsed! what the? ? ?

Look around....no one..... pinch myself "dreaming"?..nope.. look for the hidden camera....nothing.

Then... the 'voice' goes on and I realize it's some bloke in the cubicle who has made a phone call to his mate.

The timing was impeccable.

Johny...anything from you ?
Ludwig.. don't lose heart mate..I'm sure some funny anecdote will happen soon.

Malgore

Hilarious that you thought someone was referring to you when you heard: "Hello big boy..."

Joe Hockey today made me laugh,still chuckling.
See he both stated Tassy independent and the greens are in coalition with Labor then claimed his rabble have more votes and seats.
Yes know Boazy you wanted to stay away from politics but it was funny.

Humorous Experiences?. Here's my blog, it has most of my randomness there, but I must warn you guys it contains language that would straighten Graham's short and curly's. Some of the stuff I post there get's watered down to put here. I'm much different there to what I am here. Not your typical Christian, you could say. I must say again, I tell it EXACTLY how I see it, in my own space.

http://mokoreturns.blogspot.com/

Gee Foxy, how long does it take you to go to the shop to do your shopping?

Dear AGIR,

I'm glad that you liked my anecdote about
the ALDI Supermarket.

I've got another one for you:

A man met a stunning blonde and decided he wanted
to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's allright, we'll learn about
each other as we go along."
So, she consented, they were married and off they
went on a honeymoon at a luxurious resort.

One morning they were lying by the hotel pool,
when he got up off his deck-chair, climbed up
the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck,
followed by three rotations in the pike position,
at which point he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back
and lay down on the deck chair.

She whispered, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic Diving Champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other
as we went along."

So, she got up, jumped into the pool and started doing
laps.

After 75 laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down
on her deck chair and was hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was amazing. Were you an
Olympic Endurance Swimmer?"

"No," she smiled. "I was a prostitute in Mildura,
but I worked both sides of the Murray!"

Dear Hasbeen,

Hee, hee, it takes me ages, especially
at ALDI!

And, along those lines:

A husband and wife are shopping in their
local Woolworths.
The husband picks up a carton of Fosters
Beer and puts it in their trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?"
asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,"
he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them,"
demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on, the woman picks up
a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?"
asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,"
replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So do the 24 cans of Fosters,
and they're half the price!"

Dear Foxy

You are more than AGIR deserves for his niggardly thread - expecting others to find anecdotes without starting with one of his own until AFTER your good self provided one - I agree with Johnny's point.

You are the most generous spirit and your joke about the Olympic swimmer and the prostitute hilarious.

Here's an actual experience that occurred to me when I was 16. Walking down Swan St Richmond, feeling fantastic in my new mini-dress - I was a hit: young man driving a Valiant crashed into a parked car trying to get my attention.

I expect Houllie & Co to be really upset about my favourite anecdote - they like to think I am a vile old crone, heh heh.

Now, I have some sad news for Foxy, CJ Morgan and others who doubtless feel great love for one of our long term contributors, Examinator has asked me to let you know that he won't be returning to OLO - he would love to contact you via email. Remember his moniker and the Gmail address and you should be able to work it out.

Examinator

I do hope you are reading this and reconsider - however, I am sure people who have followed events, will understand your decision.

Whenever I saw that Examinator had made a post I would always link to it, instead of pressing the delete button as I regularly do with some posters who are merely here to abuse or sermonise.

You always had something worthy to say - whether not I always agreed with you; you made me think, you challenged me and you did it all with great humour. Just knowing there are people like you in this world fills me with hope; a virtue that is among the best of humanity.

Love to you and all you hold precious.

Wow Severin - bad news about examinator indeed, but I'm not all that surprised. I hope he reconsiders and returns in time.

A while back I was thinking similarly, and created a gmail address so that I could stay in touch with my OLO 'friends' if I inadvertently fell foul of the unwritten rules again.

If needed, I can be contacted at cjinexile@gmail.com :)

Welcome back!

Funny story about the Valiant, BTW :D

Welcome back Severin,

- funny you should agree with Johnny (you're very alike I noticed)

Examinator was one of the first posters I encountered on OLO - he was having a barney with Houellie at the time...sort of introduced me to the rough and tumble of OLO - hope you reconsider, examinator.

C.J. - I thought you might've been considering exiling yourself - glad you returned to the fold.

Dear Severin,

Welcome back dear heart, and Thanks for
all your kind words.

I'm going to miss Examinator dreadfully.
I also hope that he will reconsider.
He's been my life-line in so many ways on this Forum.
I've always looked forward to his postings, and
if he's reading this - "Examy, please come back, we
need you, your kind heart, your wisdom... and to keep
company in the naughty corner!"

fraccy.. have I missed something ? were you banned or self exiled or something ?

I was a bit stunned at your remarks like:

"niggardly thread - expecting others to find anecdotes without starting with one of his own until AFTER your good self provided one"

I had to shake my head after that... just so you can possibly do some reflecting on how your mind is currently working.

a) I originally submitted a thread with my 2nd post as my own experience.
b) It was rejected "too much detail"
c) I resubmitted being more circumspect.. and it was accepted.

So, in all honesty..don't you feel your remarks are a bit uncalled for ?

I can't for the life of me see why you need to turn a 'neutral' thread which has the intention of providing a release from the current political mood into some kind of 'niggardly' whatever ...

Have a good sleep.. go for a walk in the bush.. anything to lift this rather heavy grudge thing off your shoulders.

There's more to me than the small container you seem to imprison me in... I'm glad foxy didn't let any of our previous 'clashes' interfere with her kind attitude of taking things as they come at the time.. not a bad example I'd say.

cheers

'I expect Houllie & Co to be really upset about my favourite anecdote - they like to think I am a vile old crone, heh heh.'

I'm not sure where you got this impression? I've never commented on your appearance or what I would imagine your appearance to be or in fact that I would bother to imagine such a thing. Though now after this latest comment added to a few others like it that I vaguely recall, I perceive you to be quite insecure about your appearance. Which would lead me to believe you're probably not so attractive, which I mention only because you seem to be concerned about how I may perceive you.

Anyway I wouldn't worry Fractelle, beauty is only skin deep. I'm sure in real life you have a great personality, even if it doesn't appear so from reading your posts.

PS: Examinator will be back. He's just a drama queen. Good to know that another of the 'morally superior' manners police has fallen foul of the moderator, and taken his bat and ball and gone home.

How come I've missed all the excitement?

What did old stuffed shirt do to get himself banned?

If that doesn't get him out of the woodwork, nothing will, you know how he loves me.

We should have a special thread for all posts that are banned, excluded etc, so we can see what should not have been said. I'm sure it would be the most popular of all.

Apart from Foxy's post, this is not that humorous, really.

Here I was..thinking it was only "I" and me mate Col Rouge who got sin binned.. aside from the usual 'Proxy' also :)

I almost got banned for a slightly sarcastic take on Pericles.... blew my mind.

After all... we have the Paul Keatings calling people pus buckets in parliament but here we can't even have a dig at someone else without incurring 'wrath' ?

Hmmm.. well..I have a joke.

A bloke is on a ship and it get's into trouble. They take to the life boats and drift along to an Island. It turns out there are other survivors from previous catastrophe's there who have never been rescued. They do their daily chores and gather food..and at night gather around the campfire telling jokes.

The new survivor is introduced to the clan...and in the evening he notices that all they say is these numbers "26" hahahhahahahahaha.. (from the rest).. another bloke says "73"...HAARRRAHHHABUAAHHAAA.. they go...
He asks "What the heck are they going on about ?"..... his minder says "Oh.. we used to tell the jokes in full but now we all know them off by heart.. so we've numbered them and we just say the number and everyone knows the joke..and they laugh."

"Mind if I try?" says the newcomer... "Sure" says the minder.... "tonight".

Well..they are all gathered that evening and one of them yells out "37" ....it breaks them all up.. laughing... then the new bloke tries

"17"......silence....nothing... he looks around.. wondering. Then asks the minder "What was wrong, isn't that joke funny"? Minder replies.."SURE it's funny, but they didn't laugh because of the way you told it" :)

Dear AGIR,

The Irish comedian Dave Allen often spoke
about Irish mannerisms. Language in particular.
The Irish have a distinct way of expressing
themselves according to Allen, and,
when in Ireland, it makes perfect sense.
For example, the hotel porter in Dublin, who
tells you, "Follow me Sir, and I'll be behind
you all the way!" Which brings me to the
following short Irish joke...

The Irish letter parcel (I really do love
the Irish)...

Two Irishmen making a letter bomb.

Paddy: "Do you think I've put enough explosives in it?

Mick: "Dunno, open it and see."

Paddy: "But it will explode."

Mick: "Don't be daft Paddy,
It's not addressed to you."

ALGOREisRICHFATUGLYLAZY&BONKERS

I find two things humorous – making fun of your latest moniker

and

my good mate Belly - http://forum.onlineopinion.com.au/thread.asp?discussion=3945#97420

.

.

Boy, do I need to get out more!! ( :>|

In the spirit of Boazy's OP, I have this recent personal experience to relate:

We have one of the few retail businesses in our tiny country town. For better or worse, this means that we know just about everybody who lives here. Due to various factors, we get all kinds of interesting characters moving in or through the place.

The other day one of our newer residents came in to do some business. She hasn't lived here long, so I don't really know her, but I do know that her family - who've only been here a couple of years longer - have been through some fraught recent experiences.

For some reason customers often want to tell me far more personal and other information than I really want to hear, but over the years I've figured that's what people tend to do in little country towns. I've tried quite hard to discourage this, to the extent of having been compared on occasions to Basil Fawlty.

Anyway, in the course of the business transaction she told me that it was the second anniversary of her baby's death. I was a little taken aback by this, and said inadequate stuff like "how awful, I don't quite know what to say", "I can't imagine how hard that would be to deal with", or words to that effect.

She want on to tell me that her life has been empty since her baby died. At a bit of a loss for words, I asked her how old her baby was when it died. Her response almost floored me:

"Oh, she was about six. Chihuahuas don't live for very long".

I didn't know whether to laugh or throw something at her. Since neither would have been appropriate, I bit my tongue until she left. After she was out the door I almost collapsed in paroxysms of laughter.

It's probably just as well that I only work two or three days a week :)

Haaaaa hahaahahahaaahaaahha

Or maybe that should be ….

Chi hua hua hua hua huaaaaaa!!

CJ

Of all things a Chahooer hooer - man, has she been back to your store?

Times like this I wish I could post the sound of laughter. Reminds me of the time when a friend (female) phoned me in tears to tell me her budgie (which she'd had for a total of a week) had died, to this day I still find myself laughing - have no idea why, just perverse, I guess. I swear I did not laugh until I hung up the phone after saying suitable sweet nothings.

Now when my golden retriever went to dog heaven - totally different of course, like I said perverse.

Just some things I can't take seriously and Chihuahuas... well 'nuff said.

Quite funny folks.. yes CJ.. I would feel rather emotionally violated by that experience..

Foxy.. the Irish :)

Ludwig.. yes mate.. you do need to get out more.. yikes..when your funny bone is only excercized by mocking my moniker ? :) I'm sending you to a Chaplain.

Johnny..I always thought there was a dark perverse side to you :)

Nothing much funny has happened to me lately (since the other one).. just had the flue and car troubles and wet cold miserable (but welcome) weather.. *groan*

You know things are bad when you are bored with cable TV and a recliner chair and a couple of blankies to make you feel cozy.

All the work still piles up. :(

Dear AGIR,

I've got another one for you...

David Niven, actor, and gentleman extraordinary -
had, according to his book, "The Moon's A
Balloon," "one of the most varied lives and
most spectacular film careers of our time."
This story is from the book. Niven tells us:

"We were shooting, "The Pink Panther," in the Italian
Alps...I was required to do something very simple on
skis and the producer, not knowing that I would rather
ski than eat, told me to take the afternoon off and
practice with a ski teacher. So anxious was I to profit
from his rash instruction before he realised I might
break a leg, that I bustled off up the mountain in
my thin (very thin) movie ski outfit, halfwittedly
ignoring the fact that on the top it was 35 degrees
below zero... so cold in fact that no one else was skiing.

Halfway down and travelling fast behind the instructor,
I suddenly got a feeling of absolutely nothing in
precisely the spot where I should have been the warmest...
something was badly amiss amidships. A neon-sign
flashed on in my brain FROSTBITE and cupping my hands
over the danger area, I inadvertently put myself into
the racing position and flashed past the astonished
instructor.

At the bottom three morose and mauve-coloured guides
were warming themselves over a fire of fir branches.
"Catso gelato!" I yelled in my shaky Italian.

The men were galvanised into instant action. This was
a fate worse than death.

"Put it in the snow," they shouted, plucking feverishly
at my zipper.
"You put yours in the snow," I gibbered, "mine's cold
enough."
My instructor arrived. "Alcohol!" he commanded. "We put
it in alcohol!"

We all clambered into his ancient car and I was driven through
the main street of Cortina d'Ampezzo, one of the choicest
resorts in the Alps, lying in the back with four
horny-handed mountaineers, trying to keep the circulation going
in my stricken friend.

cont'd ...

cont'd ...

"In the bar of the Hotel de la Poste, smartly dressed
clients finishing late lunch, gaped in amazement as
we clumped to the bar and yelled at the barman to fill
a brandy glass to the brim with whisky "prontissimo!"

In the lavatory, while the Italians formed a solicitous
clucking semi-circle, I faced the agony of the thaw and
prised out of my ski pants a pale blue acorn. Into the
whisky it went and the pain was excruciating. This moment
was chosen by a smart Milanese nobleman whom I happened
to know to enter with a view to relieving himself. He
took in the tableau at a glance.

"David," he asked in a horrified voice, "what are you
doing?"

"I am pissing in a brandy glass," I muttered between
clenched teeth.

"I always do."

<< Into the whisky it went…. >>

Into the whisky WHAT went??

Oh THAT!

Ooooow….

.

Very entertaining stuff Foxy ( :>)

Dear Ludwig,

Thanks Ludwig.

However, if you liked the story -

You really - should read Niven's book,
it's the "funniest volume of reminiscences
for ages ... forthright, bawdy, and hilarious!"
Remember the title: "The Moon's A Balloon."

Okay, Foxy - I believe we mentioned this book on another thread - I had forgotten just how funny it was - and superbly written....I'm going into the other room to take it off the bookshelf as soon as I've finished this post - must be time I dipped into it again.