I'm one of Sylvia's (a)s, or rather I was, having in the end gained custody of my child. It's amusing to hear people spout on about the "rights of the children", but from the perspective of one who paid huge sums of money to a chain-smoking alcoholic mother, I didn't see any emphasis on the welfare of my child. I saw coppers running around like servants when "she" said I had been violent (when in fact it was she who was violent and was eventually caught and put on a Good Behaviour Bond).

I have a lot of sympathy for custodial parents who try to raise kids on pathetic child support amounts, where the non-sustodial parent escapes the full amount thewy should be paying. The formula is "sick" and needs fixing, badly, especially for PAYE workers.

Tired,

I have Family Court approved shared custody of my son - it works fine and he is thriving on both parent's love. Access to both parents is essentially "in the best interest of the child". If the Family Court interprets "best interest" to mean "father removal", then it serves a professional elite and a twisted agenda for social engineering - it does not serve the children.

Your niave statement that "children cannot be divided up like property" is a deceptive smokescreen repeatedly used to argue against shared parenting. In the current system children ARE taken like property away from one of their loving parents (90% fathers). This denial of the child's right to contact with both parents constitutes state driven abuse of children, and has damaged millions of children world wide - as verified by a wealth of research on the effects of fatherlessness.

Contrary to your statement, my son is the big winner in our shared parenting situation.

But to get back to the issue under discussion, shared parenting also reduces dependence on welfare. I talk from experience - both myself and my ex have been able to maintain a career as well as parent our child. It’s a win-win situation for the child, the parents, and as well, the taxpayer.

Tired, I'd like to add my complete agreement to Silversurfers most recent post.

We were doing an almost 50/50 shared parenting (via consent orders) and it was working well. True it did limit my ex's access to welfare to some extent and limited both of us in other ways but being a parent does that.

The ex decided to move away from the area and set to work involving my son in the need for change. I've had to consent to reduction in parenting of my son because of the harm being done to him and myself by the ongoing dispute. We all loose.

Bring on some connection between actions and consequences in this stuff and kids will be a lot better off (as well as parents and taxpayers).

R0bert

I agree with the recent posts that emphasise the desirability of 'shared parenting' of children following relationship breakdown. In my own case, with a combination of good will, shared commitment to the priority of the interests of our kids, and negotiation, I have an arrangement that works well for my kids, me and my ex.

Of course, this has meant that I've had to change priorities in other areas of my life, but overall I have to say that I'm personally much happier these days than when I was enduring a stifling and loveless marriage for the sake of the kids, mortgage and 'career'. And I figure that I'm spending about as much on my kids now as I would if they lived with me full-time.

While we didn't involve any lawyers or courts, we did avail ourselves of the free Family Court counselling service following the breakdown of the marriage, and based our respective contributions to the care of our children on the CSA formula. Neither of us is on 'welfare'.

When my ex needed to move to another city for work and family reasons, I eventually decided that the best thing for my kids' interests and my own was that I would move closer to them, which I did. Having done so, I now realise what a hopeless rut I was in, in my previous job and lifestyle.

Sure, I accept that my case is probably unusually happy, although I know many other separated parents who have come to mutually satisfactory arrangements. Indeed, my best mate is a full-time parent who has his young daughters with him in a house he rents around the corner from the house that he still co-owns with his ex-partner, who lives there. He receives a parenting allowance, child support from her, and drives a taxi on Sundays.

With a modicum of good will and real concern for the interests of the children, it is very possible for sensible people to negotiate satisfactory outcomes following relationship breakdown. Unfortunately, this forum's advocates tend to argue from antagonistic positions that don't allow for negotiated compromise.

Yes you make some good points Garra.

But I will add …

It's also often stated that only parents that can get along amicably can make shared parenting work. This is also a myth. Parent alienation produces and then ensures ongoing conflict, while shared parenting helps the inevitable divorce conflict to evaporate over time.

I speak from personal experience, which is confirmed by other parents' stories and common sense -

I could barely talk to my ex after the solicitors had finished plundering our divorce settlement - but we put simple practices in place to ease the hand-over of our child. State education and support could easily encourage such practices, and this would reduce personal and community tension. After a few years of shared parenting we are now able to talk with greater depth of cooperation. If either of us had been denied access to our child I doubt that there would be anything but resent and anger. We now have a life time relationship mutually focused on 'the best interest of the child'. This would have been denied to us and our son if not for a shared parenting agreement.

Just to emphasise my point again - for a while after the legal battle I would literally be sick to my stomach when I heard her voice. There was a great deal of conflict and no communication - yet shared parenting allowed both the adults' and the child's wounds to heal in time.

Government education and training should support this outcome.

I envy those parents with workable shared parenting arrangements.

In my case this was not possible, but did end up with residency of 2 of my 3 children, while continuing to pay significant child support for the youngest. Several years down the track, I pay uni fees for one child, and 19k in child support for a child that costs less than 8k. I look forward to the day I can start paying off my debts and start saving for retirement. Perhaps happiness will follow.