Ian,

Firstly it is a fundamental human right to control one's own fertility. This includes whether or not one has a child. In the days before donor conception, an illicit affair or a one night stand where the biological father never knew the child existed.

Secondly a handful of anecdotes of children suffering a little angst about not really knowing their biological fathers does not justify why the vast majority of perfectly content donor children should not exist.

Ian, can you honestly tell me you are not pursuing this from a religious background.

People should turn their backs on the fertility authorities current 'options' and find child centred solutions. Laws have to start changing and recognising alternative families.

Many men want to donate, choose a great woman or couple, and be known. Why should they be expected to financially support the child, if the agreement BEFORE conception was to help bring a child into the world to be raised by that woman or couple. However alongside this assistance they should be able to be known to the child- and for the child to choose the relationship as they grow up.

This concept is still so new and many cant get their heads around it- thinking they should be an active father or not donate. But many infertile straight couples need that help- and the husband will be the 'daddy' - soothing nightmares etc. He also wants the financial responsibility- but they need a donor. Why should that mean the donor cant be in the child's life in some way, if the child wants that?

Our laws - and society find that so difficult to 'organise' mentally. Its not clear cut as with a bank- where the infertile couple raise the child and the donor doesnt have anything to do with it. But by thinking outside the box - and outside of current 'legally recognised' options we can meet the needs of everyone. When an arrangement is made before conception- why cant we separate 'roles'? Why cant we have all parents on the birth certificate- bio and social. All arrangements should be flexible as the child should have a say in things- but many of us are working towards showing society that we CAN put children first- and have families whether single, gay...pink, blue green.

So writers and journalist such as this one should attack the fertility authorities for faciliating anonymous donations- and see what others are doing outside of this is AMAZING.Many gay couples are turning their backs on clinics and purposefully choosing a donor who WILL be known to the child. As can be seen on our page
www.facebook.com/DIYBaby

Maggie,
I just wanted to say thank you for standing up for the rights of those who have no say in the matter. I will make this brief, as I do not have the mental energy to counter all of the negative comments on here.
I very much agree that every person has the right to, as far as possible, know their genetic family. To be denied this is to be denied who we are. At 27 years of age, as a result of donor conception, I am still searching to discover the missing pieces. I would never deliberately impose this onto any other person, let alone my own children

@Kimberley
I sympathise with your situation.

As a grandmother I am still wondering about the missing pieces in my life because I was never allowed to know my father and his family.

And I was born the ordinary way.

Ideally all children should grow up in a loving family consisting of their biological parents and perhaps siblings. But we all know this doesn’t always happen. No parent is perfect and some are less perfect than others. The family may be fraught with conflict and/or disintegrate, or one or both parents may be lost to accident or disease. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune make life difficult enough without creating further avoidable problems. The thing about natural parents and siblings is that they are like you in so many indefinable and ineffable ways that one is not aware of them until they are absent or until one discovers them late in life. These are part of how we define ourselves and find out who we are. One adoptee told me that when growing up it was like being with aliens – at a basic level they didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. She was loved enough but there was a basic connection missing. This is what is denied to adoptees and to some extent donor-conceived children, especially if two donated gametes are used.

CONTINUED

CONTINUED

Now adoptees and donor-conceived children are, like all humans beings, very adaptable and they will try to fit into their particular situation, even if they don’t feel comfortable in it. More than that, because of the circumstances of their being there and the often huge obstacles that their parents have had to go through to get them, there will be a incredibly strong unconscious pressure put on them to be “successful” offspring. They will pick this up and either consciously or more likely unconsciously try to be the “good” children that their parents have longed so much for. They know the consequences if they don’t would be dire. So most of these families seem very happy and functional and on the surface everything is fine but deeper down there are problems that often don’t surface until perhaps adulthood, or when they have their own first child or even later in life. So one has to say that while things look somewhat rosy at the moment, the jury is still out on the success of otherwise of DC families. It took many years for the negative effects of adoption on both children and natural mothers was recognised. For many years it was ignored or pushed under the carpet.

Another factor in the situation is that many DC children are not told – some estimates put it as high as 80% – and they may never know what their genetic inheritance is or why they feel slightly uncomfortable with one or other of their parents. So what happens to them may never be attributed to the real cause. And think about the non-contributing parent – there must be underlying and unconscious feelings there of inadequacy and jealousy that may be repressed and not acknowledged but which may emerge in other ways.

CONTINUED