I've recently come across some clever and at the
same time witty, satirical quotes, and I thought
it would be interesting to have a thread to which
posters can add their own favourites.

Here's a few that I liked and intend keeping:

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

I dropped out of communism class
because of lousy Marx.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary
A thesaurus.

More to come.

Foxy, ‘Are you being served’ immediately springs to mind. Full of innuendo and double entendre, of a somewhat vulgar variety, and yet extremely popular.

Oh hold on: that’s why it was so popular.

How silly of me!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avCJPB2M4Ro

The two Ronnies were also brilliant. Sadly, it goes over the heads of many now.

Foxy,

If you weigh a train at a railweigh station
Where do you weigh a pie.
Answer: "Over the rainbow."
Sing: "Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie."

SD

Thanks for your contributions thus far -
they brought back so many memories.
I loved, "Are You being Served," and
of course the "Two Ronnies." "Benny Hill,"
made me laugh out loud at times, then there
was John Cleese who was so entertaining,
(I've got much of his stuff on video - including
the funny "A Fish Called Wanda," and "How To
Irritate People." And let's not forget the Monty
Python films - including "Life of Brian."
Then there's "Black Adder," and "Mr Bean," and the
list goes on. British humour's wonderful.

American's have a great sense of humour as well.
I remember reading the line "Would you buy a used
car from this man?" when Richard Nixon was running
for the Presidency. Then of course going way back
there's Dorothy Parker, "Boys don't make passes at
girls who wear glasses." and "I knew you had it in you,"
(to a pregnant friend). And who was it who said,
"If Michaelangelo were a heterosexual, the Sistine
Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a
roller." I'll have to look that one up.

Please keep them coming.

Foxy, I laugh loudest at medical humour, having been around these people in my workplace since I was seventeen.
Here's a few comments you wouldn't want to hear your' doctor or surgeon say:

"Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

Which leg are we amputating?"

Is this idiot a private patient, or can I get out of here quickly?"

As a nurse, I collected many funny stories.

As a new student nurse on my first day on the ward, having never even seen a man naked, I was asked to take a urinal to a bed-bound patient. When I got there, he had both arms in plaster and in traction. Horrified, I quickly assessed the situation,.
I got a flannel and picked up his appendage with that to place it in the urinal...all with my eyes closed!

I once asked a student nurse to assist a patient to use a commode toilet by her bed. I explained that the patient was on bed rest, and to stay with her. When I looked in behind the curtains later, the nurse had the patient perched on the commode.....which was placed on top of the bed!
I almost had a stroke myself...

Dear Suse,

I also love medical humour - I've got doctors in
the family and the stories they told around the
dinner table were part of my childhood growing up.
I also loved the Doctor series.

We lived in Los Angeles for close to ten years,
and my sons were born in Los Angeles. I remember
when I had my first baby being in the delivery room
when a group of medical students accompanied by
a specialist barged in and the specialist told the
students - "This is our hysterectomy," to which my
obstetrician swiftly replied - "You're in the wrong
theatre this patient has just given birth."
Needless to say the group all left rather promptly.

Your story about having to deal with male appendages
reminds me of my first experience as a young student with a
foreign film. It took me a long time to live down my
first memorable experience with a Swedish film, one movie night
at uni. I had never experienced explicit nudity on the
screen so when a full frontal erected penis appeared without
any warning I was totally unprepared and my "Gasp!" echoed
around the silent screening room amid snickering of
"Only virgin here!" by the men in the audience.

>"If Michaelangelo were a heterosexual, the Sistine
Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a
roller."<

That's priceless, Foxy, and just so not very PC. Good on ya.

A few (approximate) quotes/'lines':

"Are you gonna eat that?"
(Or: 'Shucks, you taste worse than anything I've ... ever actually eaten.')

"When I'm good, I'm very, very good; but when I'm bad, I'm better."

"Is that a banana in your pocket - or are you just happy to see me."

"Who put orange juice in my orange juice?"

"I like little kiddies - but I couldn't eat more than one at a time."

"I'm nobody's 'little girl'."

"The universe may Not be infinite - unlike Man's apparent capacity for stupidity."

A man goes into a bar and orders a whiskey and two pickled onions.
When served, he puts one pickled onion behind each ear, drinks his whiskey, and leaves.
Next day the man returns with the same order; places the pickled onions behind his ears, drinks his drink, and leaves.
Next day he makes the same order, but the barman says he hasn't any pickled onions, and asks if gherkins will do.
The man says yes, receives his order, places the gherkins behind his ears, drinks his drink, and prepares to leave;
but the barman (by this time busting with curiosity) calls the man back and asks: "Why did you put the gherkins behind your ears?"
To which the man replied: "Well, you didn't have any pickled onions, did you."

How does a DEAF man sell a pig?
Very LOUDLY: "Wanna buy a Pig?"

How does a BLIND man order a double whiskey?
"Can I have a double whiskey please."

Dear Saltpetre,

Thanks for taking the time to contribute
to this thread. I loved them all.

Here's a few more:

A man's ultimate embarrassment -
Running into a wall with an erection
And breaking his nose.

Life is short
Smile while you still have teeth.

A knight in shining armour
Can turn out to be
A retard in tin foil.

Never go to a doctor
Whose office plants have died.

In God We Trust
Everyone Else Pays Cash.

Over the hill is better
Than under it.

I wish the buck stopped here
I could use a few.

I was Snow White
But I drifted.

If money is the root of all evil
Why do churches keep begging for it?

By the time you find greener pastures
You're too old to climb the fence.

If you have something to say
Raise your hand
And place it over your mouth.

Honk if you want the middle finger.

...meanwhile , back at the ranch,

Tonto, disguised as a door,

Had his knob shot off!

Son: When I grow up Dad I want to be a Pilot.
Dad: You cannot do both son.

There are old pilots and there are bold pilots
But there are no old bold pilots.

SD

A Divorce Lawyer..died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him..“What have you done..to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment,..then said,
“A week ago,..I gave a quarter to a homeless person..on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel.to check this out in the record,
and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true...Saint Peter said,..“Well..that’s fine,..but it’s not really..quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said,..“Wait Wait!..There’s more!
Three years ago..I also gave a homeless person..a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel,..who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,..too,..had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel,.“Well,
what do you suggest we do..with this fellow?”..Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance,..then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back..his 50 cents
and tell him..to go to Hell.”

Two small boys,..not yet old enough to be in school,
were overheard talking..at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy...What's yours?"
asked the first boy..."Tommy," replied the second..."My Daddy's an accountant.

What does your Daddy do..for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied,.."My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No,..just the regular kind"..replied Tommy.

A man..needing some legal help
walks into a law firm...He asks an attorney:

"If I give you $300 to help answer..
two legal problems I have,..will you help me?"

The attorney replies:
"Sure,..what's the other question?"

A doctor..told his patient..that his test results
indicated that she had..a rare disease..and had only six months to live.

"That's such a short amount of time,..doctor.
Isn't there anything I can do?"..pleaded the patient.

"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised.
"It will be..the longest six months..of your life."

How can you know
when..a lawyer is lying?

he moves his lips.

A Harvard and Yale/Law grad..met in a washroom..during a law convention...The Harvard graduate said,.."Didn't they teach you to wash..your hands at Yale?".

The Yale grad responded,..
"They taught us not to pp [hiss]..on our hands."

Dear Suse,

Poor Tonto.

I can hear him saying to the Lone Ranger:

"Was that supposed to be a warning shot Kemosabe?
Not so good!"

;-)

Dear SD,

The worst thing to hear in the cockpit of a plane,
the pilot saying, "Oh Shyte!"

Dear OUG,

Things lawyers have actually said in court:

Lawyer: "Your son, the youngest 20 year old,
How old is he?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone, until you returned?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "Now Sir, I'm sure you are an
intelligent and honest man."
Witness: "Thank You. If I weren't under oath
I'd return the compliment."

Foxy,
I have heard worse than that in the cockpit.
There have been times a set of water cooled rosary beads would have been a welcome item.
SD

There was a preacher..who fell in the ocean..and he couldn't swim. When..a boat came by,..the captain yelled,

"Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later,..another boat came by..and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"..The preacher replied again,."No God will save me."

Eventually the preacher..drowned..& went to..judger his life judgments...The preacher asked God,.."Why didn't you save me?"

God replied,
"Fool,..I sent you two boats!"

A drunk staggers..into a..sic*Church,..enters a confessional booth, sits down,..but says nothing...The Priest coughs a few times..to get his attention,..but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally,..the Priest pounds three times..on the wall.
The drunk mumbles.. "Ain't no use knockin'!..There's no paper on this side either!"

Jesus,Moses,..and an old man..go golfing.

The first one..to tee off is Moses..He mashes the ball..and it is heading right for the water hazard..Moses raises his club,..the water parts,..and the ball makes it..to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing,..cranks it out,
and it is headed for the water hazard...Jesus closes his eyes and prays...The ball skips across the water..and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old man's turn comes ..nd he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop..directly into the water.
BUT.A fish jumps from the water hazard..swallowing the ball,..JUST as an eagle..drops from the sky,..grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies..over the green,..a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle,..making it drop the fish...As the fish hits the green,..it spits out the ball..and the ball falls into the hole,..making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says,
"I really think..I'm leaving Dad..at home next time!"

A man is talking to God.
"God, how long is..a million years?"
God answers, "To me,..it's about a second...away"

"God,..how much is a million dollars?"
"To me,..it's as worthless as a penny."

"God, may I have a penny?"
sure..just "Wait a minute."

Q:..What do a Christmas tree..and a high-priest have in common?
A:..Their balls are just for decoration.

too many..to copy

http://www.awordinyoureye.com/category%20jokes%20God.html

from previous link

(#334)..That’s the way..to do it

One day,..three men were hiking
and unexpectedly came upon..a large raging, violent river.

They needed to get/to the..other side,
but had no idea..of how to do so.

The first man..prayed to God,..saying,
"Please God, give me..the strength to cross..this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms..and strong legs,..and he was able to swim across the river..in about two hours,..but only after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this,..the second man..prayed to God,
saying,.."Please God,..give me the strength..and the tools..to cross this river."

Poof!..God gave him a rowboat..and he was able to row across the river in about an hour,..but only after..almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man..had seen how this worked out..for the other two,
so he also prayed..to God saying,..

"Please God,..give me the strength..and the tools...
and the intelligence.....to cross this river."

And poof!..God turned him..into a woman.
She looked..*at the map,..then hiked upstream..a couple of hundred yards,..then walked across the bridge...[in7seconds flat]

(#338)..The Rabbi and his friends

A rabbi,..a priest,..and a minister..were talking one day.

The priest told..of an occasion when he was caught..in a snowstorm so terrible..that he couldn't see a foot..in front of him...He was completely confused,..unsure even of which direction..he needed to walk.

He prayed to God,..and miraculously,
while the storm continued..for miles in every direction,..he could clearly see his home..20 feet away...The minister..told a similar story.

He..had been out on a small boat..when a heavy storm struck.
There were 20-foot high waves,..and the boat was sure to capsize.

He prayed to God,..and, while the storm
continued all around,.for several feet in each direction,..the sea calmed,.and the minister was able to..return safely to port.

The rabbi, too,..had such a story.

One Shabbes morning,..on the way home from his Shul,
he saw a very thick wad..of £20 notes in the gutter.

Of course,..since it was Shabbat,..
the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money.

So he prayed..to God, \..and everywhere,
for miles..in every direction,=..it was still Shabbat,

but for 10 feet..around him,
it was Thursday*

Dear SD,

I always carry my rosaries whenever I fly.
Not taking any chances.

Dear OUG,

Thanks for all your jokes.
They're great!

And talking of jokes ...

Here's an oldie but a good one:

DUCKS GALORE!

St Peter greets three women at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Paradise, ladies. I'm sure you'll have a
lovely time, but we do have some rules to make your
eternal stay more pleasant. We're a little overrun
with ducks at the moment and it's very important you
don't stand on any of them. You can do anything else,
just don't stand on a duck!"

It got to day two and the first woman accidentally
stood on a duck. Suddenly she found herself handcuffed
to the ugliest, smelliest, most revolting man she could
possible imagine. For eternity! She would be chained to
this hideous, lecherous man forever!

The other two women decided to take more care. But one
night, as they were stumbling back from the Paradise Bar
with a few drinks under their belts, the second woman
stumbled and uh-oh- she stood on a duck!

Immediately the same thing happened, she found herself
handcuffed to the most grotesque, hideous, putrid man.
Forever.

After that, the third woman commenced a daily chant.
"Must not stand on a duck, must not stand on a duck."

For two years she chanted this mantra and this managed to
keep her feet feather-free.

However, out of nowhere, one day she found herself handcuffed
to a really divine looking man. A completely gorgeous and
handsome male.

"I don't understand," she said.

"What have I done?"

"I don't know," he replied, equally confused.

"All I know is that I stood on a duck!"

A couple of Ogden Nashisms:

Books by Max Weber
Are not much read by those whose occupations entail big proportions of manual labour
And books by Karl Marx
Are not much read by those who, instead of saying "ask", say "arks".

* * *

Hitler
Coulda been a victualler
But unfortunately for the German nation
He took to dictation.

Dear Jardine,

A few more from Ogden Nash:

"I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all."

"Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker."

"Love is a word that is constantly heard
Hate is a word that is not
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold
Love, I have read is hot
But Hate is the verb that to me is superb
And Love but a drug on the mart
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an art."

The police came to my door last night
holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer,
"Yes it is" I replied.

" I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident
"said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality"

Two women were talking.

"Do you look at your husbands face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
"Because he was watching from the window."!

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a male superhero, the other is an instruction!

Was asked to go & see my ex girlfriend today.
One thing lead to another & we ended up havin sex.

Police weren't too pleased.
I was only meant to be identifying the body.

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum,
boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis.

Golf or Sex?

This guy is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching channels to a sexy movie, featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex. "Man, they are really getting' it on! I don't know whether to watch them or watch the golf match", he says to his wife.

His wife replies back, "Oh, for Pete's sake, Dummy, watch them! You already know..how to play golf!"

Many a true word spoken in jest :)

Picture Garfield the cat ... "I had a terrible night last night. I tossed and turned and worried, my depression was all-consuming ... I was so depressed that I had to get up, and phone Lifeline, I was put through to a call-centre in Afghanistan ... I told them that I was so depressed that I was suicidal ... They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck ...

“Children aren't happy..with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.”

“A door..is what a dog is perpetually..on the wrong side of.”

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.”

“You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.”

“LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE”

“I have an idea..that the phrase “weaker sex” was coined by some woman to disarm..the man she was preparing to overwhelm. ”

“Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”

“Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave
when they think that their children are naive.”

“The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.”

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.”

“There is only one way to achieve happiness..on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience..or none at all.”

“People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want..that they really don’t want it.”

“The trouble with a kitten..is that it eventually becomes a cat.”

“The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.”

“When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.

Abracadabra, thus we learn
The more you create, the less you earn.

The less you earn, the more you’re given,
The less you lead, the more you’re driven,
The more destroyed, the more they feed,
The more you pay, the more they need,

The more you earn, the less you keep,
And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to take
If the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.”

Ogden Nash

Dear OUG,

Thanks for your entertaining jokes.

Here's another oldie but a goodie:

A LETTER FROM GRANDMA.

I received a letter from my grandma yesterday. She writes:

"The other day, I visited a local Christian bookshop
and spotted a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker
for the car. I bought the sticker and put it on the rear
bumper of my car.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought and I didn't notice the light had changed to green.
It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus too, because if
he hadn't honked, I would never have noticed the light
change.

I found that lots of people love Jesus.

Everyone started honking. I just leaned out of the window and
waving and smiling blew kisses to all these lovely people.
I even honked my own horn a few times to share in the love.

I saw a man waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger pointing up to the heavens.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said it was an old native good-luck sign he'd
read about. Well, I leaned out of the window and gave the
man the good luck sign right back. My grandson in the back
seat burst out laughing. Even he was enjoying the religious
experience.

Then I noticed the light had changed to green for the
second time, so I waved to all my sisters and brothers, and
drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that mine was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed to red again.
I felt rather sad, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them the native good luck sign with
my middle finger one last time as we drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people."

Love,
Gran.

from
http://www.google.com.au/search?q=riddles+for+thought

http://www.angelfire.com/fl/JackCraig/HUMOR-RIDDLES.html

http://www.google.com.au/search?q=jokes++for+thought

I'm trying to be less self-deprecating,
but I really suck at it.

I thought I was wrong once,
but I found out later I was mistaken.

I can be spontaneous,
if I have enough time to prepare for it.

Speling is my favourite sub/ject (

Just say NO to negativity!

I am not in denial!

Things are more like they are today..
than they ever have been before.

Being bored keeps me busy.

I don't like to eat...It ruins my appetite.

I used to be a perfectionist,..but I'm trying to improve.

Don't procrastinate...Put it off..NOW.

Repeat after me...We are all individuals.

A man's response..to seeing the ocean for the first time:
"It's not as big..as I thought it would be."

If you're right 90%...of the time,
why quibble about..the other 5%?

All generalizations..are wrong

I swear to god..i must be..the only
true optimist..left..on the planet.

My apathy..causes me problems,
but..I don't care.

It's extremely important..that you fully understand
how completely trivial..this statement is.

If I am not on Mars,..I must be somewhere else...Since I am somewhere else,..I must not be here...Could I am..be there?
It is..certainly..that he is...somewhere else...
Please take a look and let me..know if find me.

What is this..a paraphrase of?

I've felt like a goat,
ever since I was a kid

"Nobody goes..there anymore,
it's too crowded."

I'm not conceited.
Conceit is a fault,..and I have none.

Always remember..that you are a unique individual;
just like everyone else.

I want to join..the Optimist's Club,
but..they probably won't accept me.

Some people say.;.I have a short
attention span,..but I..say...

I'm sorry,..am I repeating myself?
Am I being redundant?..Am I saying things over and over?

I tried..to be patient
but it took too long.

I am never mistaken.
Well,..once I was wrong..because I thought I was wrong.

I thought..about changing my mind,
but then I reconsidered.

It appears that this thread has now run its
course and I'd like to Thank everyone who
contributed to it.

See you all on another discussion.

And, keep your spirits smiling and your
souls dancing to good music.

but..this was only posted three days ago
http://joyreactor.com/tag/soul

its funny pictures..but cant post them
[yet..i love imaginary]

anyhow..a fruit-full search term..was found
http://www.google.com.au/search?q=soul+jokes&

<<..There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

and God said "ok thats fine, but I want to challenge you to a contest before I let you go. Each of us has to create our own human using nothing but dirt, and the first one done wins."

So the scientist agreed and reached down to start making his human, and God stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

its a classic

a man was being chased by a bear,..and the bear cornered the man and the man prayed dear God*..please make this bear a christian bear...So God did as he said..and the bear said..*dear God please bless this food im about to eat*>>

oh well
found the flip-side..of your joke
guess..that completes..the cycle

Sharing..the Gift..*of Laughter:

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."..The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee no hurry."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it,..
and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies,.."I can't believe that,*..show me."

So she fetched the Bible,..and opened the New Testament
and showed him..right..there..at the top of several pages,..that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

so..how did..he loose?
what..did..she win?

that links..to my latest joke
http://www.celestinevision.com/celestine/forum/viewtopic.php?p=15128#15128

how..i love you..always?
yet..some..cant see the joke...im..just a bloke

oops..just read..your..other post
and im feeling..your going/leaving..drained..[tired]

that upsets me..re-thinking..this part..of the previous post

<<..so..how did..he loose?
what..did..she win?>>

so what did he win?
what did she loose?

[sorry..im..dislexic]
[my spelling of the word..revealed..more than the word corrected..would reveal

dys-lectic..im seeing that we hurt you..
when only trying to correct..our own miss perceptions]..

im..feeling the same urge to go..graciously..but resist it
the topic's.. just all feel the same..bring me down too
heck..bring us all down..so many gone..now you too?

but how more unbearable..
the sameness..wont be the same..without you..too..

i feel in my heart..thats true..
we will..feel more blue..without you
if only we had tried harder..to give you a laugh?

but now see thats not enough
blessings be with you..always foxie/lexie..
i will miss hearing your voice as i read your words..missing them both

correction..re my..last words

"..."missing them both"...*already*

anyhow take care girl..i love you..your..truely blessed

from johan..hopefully not for the last time./

Dear Johan (OUG),

You make my spirit smile.
Thank You for the gifts you give us all on this forum.
And I feel honoured and blessed to count you as a
friend.

Take care, you sweet gentle man.

And I wish you all that is beautiful in life.

We recently had a new snake catcher arrive at a remote mine site. A few days after her arrival, a rather large python was apprehended on the roof of a vehicle by the environmental officer, whose name was Vincent Crean. Said reptile was not readily identified by snake catcher lass, who then became a little nervous. Someone said we should call it a "Vince Crean Viper".

Dear Albie,

Welcome - and Thanks for your story.
And the play on words. Liked it!

Here's one I remember:

"One Saturday evening in mid June a very important
Celebratory Dinner was held at the famous Sheraton
Hotel in Phoenix, Arizona to honour the various
American Indian tribes. The Chiefs of various tribes
attended, all in their splendid costumes, with
full-feathered headgear et cetera.
Many famous celebrities had been invited as guests to
this event, and among them was the famous American
comedian, Billy Crystal.

Well, the way Billy tells the story, he found himself
sitting at the dinner table, next to one of the feathered
Indian Chiefs, and feeling somewhat uncomfortable.
Billy said, "I didn't know how to talk to this guy.
The only thing that I knew about American Indians was
what I had seen in American Western movies. So all night
during dinner, I spoke like "Tonto" to this guy.
You know,

"You pass 'em butter.
You pass 'em bread.
You like 'em have more wine?"

And so on. This went on all night until it came to "speech-
time." Then this guy stood up and made the most eloquent
speech I'd ever heard in the English language.
Sheer poetry. When he'd finished, he sat back down, turned to
me with a sweet smile and asked,

"You like 'em speech?"

i..loved the joke..so..much i spent hours..looking for the speech
[ok..not hours..but many[a dosen..or so pages]..of google searches..and a solid hour..of reading famous speeches..

but none fit the bill..
none..good enough..to ..to one..who gets it..
anyhow two google pages..this morning found this

http://conversationeducation.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/the-joke-is-on-you/

[my search term.
http://www.google.com.au/search?q=lost+art+conversation+joke&

<<..“Do you get it?”

<<..My 4 year old daughter,..Emma loved to tell this joke when she found herself in new strange hospital situations. Humor is one of those incredible gifts that we all have for making human connections.

<<.This was her way of taking some kind of control over her illness and she loved to tell this joke over and over. The delight in her eyes in seeing who “got it” was sheer heaven, thinking she was so clever and loving the joke over and over herself.

<<..There was something in this joke
*she could see that made her enjoy it every time she told it.

She “got” it and was always sure to ask,
“Do you get it?”

Image

Photo Credit: http://www.fun2video.com

<<..The getting it..is like the ultimate secret..that she is privy to;..the delight is making sure that everyone..is able to enjoy the magic..of the punch line..in the same way as the teller.

<<And there is an art.to telling a good joke..and the feedback is instant…did you get a laugh or not? You can always tell those who get it as an expression..of knowing crosses their faces,..and then there are those that laugh to be polite..and those who are laughing as they are still trying to figure it out.

<<..We have all been there.. at one end or the other.;.and of course the worst place to be is to be the jokester that gets no laughs at all. It is a tough lesson, but..one that you can do something about..right away...>>

by telling the next one..they might get?

ohh..the jopke..righjt

<<“Why did the cookie..go to the doctor’s office?”>>

http://www.google.com.au/search?q=lost+conversation+joke

Jesus and Satan.;.are having a conversation...

Jesus and Satan.;.were having an ongoing argument
about who was better..on his computer...They had been going at it for days,..and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it.
I am going to set up a test..that will run two hours and..I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen..and screamed every curse word known in the underworld...Jesus just sighed...The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically,..screaming
"It's gone!..It's all gone!..I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours...Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!
He cheated,..how did he do it?"

God shrugged..and said,.."Jesus saves."

http://www.jokes.com/funny-god-jokes

BILLS clock

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven..when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks..on the wall...Each clock displayed a different time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth..and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second..each time a lie is told.''

Special attention was given to two clocks...The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved,..indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln...has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''

St. Peter replied,
''Jesus has it in his office...he's using it as a ceiling fan.'

ohh..sorry..i..miss/read the heading

the athiest version..of the bear..joke
http://www.jokes.com/funny-god-jokes/8ccm34/an-atheist-and-a-bear

Q: What did the bartender say when a priest,
a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?

A: Is this a joke?

this too long to post..but a classic

http://www.jokes.com/funny-god-jokes/f49dvl/executive-decision

Concise Creative Writing

A university creative writing class is asked to write essays containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay reads: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Zen Sausage

Said the Buddhist..to the hot dog vendor:
"Make me one..with everything."

Confessional Etiquette

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"

Ya Wanna Find Jesus?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

"Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

"Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

i thought..it funny

a young man..named Edgar R...who came here..a very long-time ago...His story is..a sad one..and explains the length of time..he has needed in this plane....Is it horrifying..to know that
he was a murderer?

In a moment..of frenzy..he killed his wife...and the law..then sent him to death..with all the usual..accompaniments of shame..and violence...I can well imagine..the impossible conditions into which at..first he drifted.

His..own shame and despair..drew him to the darkest regions..of the early planes and his plight there..was awful...He hid himself
among the debased..and brutal population of a town..of ill-repute, afraid...that his victim would find..and reproach him.

Here..he lived in a dark hell..of his own making,..
a prey..to fear and remorse...

There are..certain devoted souls..who managed to
penetrate to these regions.in search of any who can be helped..and they found Edgar eventually..and persuaded him..to face his problem, come out of hiding..and find his wife.

She also..had suffered.
Anger..and hatred of him..had prevented her progress,
but by degrees..she was helped to see and..to understand the real situation..for which she had..been..*partly responsible,..but which had been hidden..from her..by the mists/of..her own anger.

These two poor souls..were still bound..to each other..by mutual wrong-doing..which seems to make..nearly as strong a bond..as love itself...Until they had cleared..the anger..from their souls..and the blindness..from their eyes they could..not get free.

They neither of them..wished to remain together,..or so they thought at first;..yet when,..*by the help of those..who are skilled in bringing about such adjustments..they did at last..face the evil..in themselves..*instead of..simply..condemning it in..each other,..

the change in..their whole condition..produced a strange solution.

They each..laid hold again..upon their..essential innocence;
they renewed..the long-lost appearance of youth..and charm
and..to their own surprise..they found that..the bond which really held them together..was love.

They are together now..in an ideal relationship
and the joy..they take in each other..has been won through long purgatorial-suffering...So the clumsy bungling..of human justice has been compensated..by the justice of God.

This is not..the sentimental notion..of mere forgiveness of sin – that would alter nothing –..but a true regeneration..passing..through suffering..and..by dropping pre-tense..and..the cleansing off..of the perilous stuff..[which would otherwise..continue to poison..the springs of living...]

http://www.divinetruth.com/PDF/People/Other/Jane%20Sherwood%20-%20Post%20Mortem%20Journal.pdf

to explain..previous..'joke'

Until the Separation,..which is a better term..than the Fall..[of man]..,..nothing was lacking...This meant that man..had no needs at all...*If he had not deprived..*himself,..he would never have
experienced them.

After the Separation, .[fall]..materialist body..needs..became the most powerful source..of motivation for..human action...All behavior is essentially..motivated by needs,..but behavior itself..is not a
Divine attribute...The body is..*the mechanism for behavior...(Ask any behaviorist,..and he’s..RIGHT, too.)..hence the importance..of mind.

A man acts..according to..the particular hierarchy..[preferences]..of of ways..to meet needs..which..she establishes..for himself.

THis hierarchy,..in turn,..depends on..his/her..perception of what he IS,..filling..the immediate..nmeed..i.e.,..to fill..what he LACKS. This establishes..his own rules..for what he needs...to know...think..see hear feel..say..do etc

Separation..from God..[logus/logic]..is the only lack..he really needs to correct...But his Separation..would never have occurred..if he had not distorted..his perception of truth,..and thus..*perceived himself*..as lacking.

The concept..of ANY sort of need..for HIERARCHY[necessitating..listing..an order..of preference]..arose because,..having made this..fundamental error,..he had already fragmented himself..into levels with DIFFERENT needs.

As he integrates,..back to the good of god..HE becomes one,..and his ONE need..becomes one accordingly...able to meet any..need..Only
the fragmented..can be confused about this.

Internal integration..within the oneness..of self
will not..(suffice)..to..correct the lack..is no fallacy,..but it
WILL correct..the NEED fallacy. (

Unified need..produces unified action,
because..it produces..a lack of ambivalence.

The concept..of need of..hierarchy,..is a corrollary..to the original error,..that..requires correction..at its OWN level,..*before the error of levels..itself can be corrected.

Man..cannot operate..(orbbehave)..effectively..while he operates..at split levels...But as long as..he does so,..he must*..introduce correction..from the bottom UP.

This is because..he now operates..in outer-space,
where..“up”..and..“down”..are meaningful terms...Ultimately, of course,..space..is as meaningless as time...The concept is really one
of..space-time BELIEF/faith/trust.

The physical world..exists only because..man can use it
to correct..his..hurtful..[injurious]..BELIEF,..which placed him..in it originally...As long as man..*KNEW he did not need..anything,..the whole device..of mortality/materialism..earth/universe/eve-wry thing....was unnecessary.

The need..to know..is not safely..under man’s control..at this time. It is MUCH better off..under mine.[this was written..by jesus]
http://miraclevision.com/acim/urtext/acim-urtext-2003-upe-ready-edition.pdf

Let’s just leave it at that.
(;\*/;)

sorry about the context..of the last two jokes
i was only..using..your topic post box..to edit..the first one down..to finish off the joke..

begun..ignored here..

[but for the post limits]..when..editing..i saw it could fit in here
when..it would be in context..there..

but it..seems like trolling..[even now]

http://forum.onlineopinion.com.au/thread.asp?article=15257#269320

i did it.here
as mentioned previously..[on..that topic]..because the other site* has closed down..and lost much of my work*..of editing..[the link also reveals the joke]..is on me..the only..one missing the laughter.

http://www.celestinevision.com/celestine/forum/viewtopic.php?p=15136#15136

anyhow..thanks for the opportunity..of venting
whjat are thery preventing?..so..im kinda of..at lost ends

now,..what?
why am i here..

end the joke..or just let it slide..
or double up..and let it ride

i need..the jokes..but the joker
dont need me doing my pun/fun..but thats all i got.

I don't care what your name is, nobody walks on the water where I'm fishing.

Dear Johan (OUG),

Once again Thank You for all the jokes -
and for keeping this thread going.
Much appreciated.

Dear Houellie,

Thanks for that.

Talking about walking on water...

I remember reading the media coverage -
during the former Prime Minister's
term in office that if she was to perform the miracle
of walking on water -
the headlines the next day - would state, "See, the
PM can't swim."

“I’m in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same.”
- Alfie Moore

your joke..somehow..reminded me..of pot/kettle

<<..I saw..the meetings..all as work.LL..lol
<<..Other might have thought..I liked the free grog,..or party pies,..or whatever..was being served>>..

oops..wrong paste

two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

then there are non sense..jokes
for selling..advertizing
http://www.funnymail.com/jokes/category/answer-me-jokes

you know that..little indestructible black box..that is used on planes -..why can't they..make the whole plane..out of the same substance?

you know..how most packages say.."Open here".
What is the protocol..if the package says,.."Open somewhere else"?

why,..if the best things in life are free,
are..the next-best things are so expensive?

why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

why is it..that when you transport..something by car,..it's called shipment..but when you transport something by ship..it's called cargo?

why is it..that at class reunions..you feel younger..than everyone else looks?

why is brassiere..singular..and panties plural?

why does an inspiring sight..like a sunrise..
always have to take place..at such an inconvenient time?

why can we drive..on driveways..
when we cant park..on parkways?

why are they called apartments..
when they are all..stuck together?

why are there interstates..in Hawaii?

why are there flotation devices..under plane seats..instead of parachutes?

why is a..toothless dog..like a tree?
It has more bark..than bite.

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

What will fall on the lawn first?
An autumn leaf..or a Christmas catalogue?

What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

why did the termite..eat a sofa and two chairs?
It had a suite tooth..

how do people come up with them?

why?

.

Dear WmTrevor,

Thanks.

Here's another oldie:

"It was the 1970s. The era of wife-swapping parties.
This particular Saturday evening two Martians landed
in a quiet court and seeing the large number of cars
parked outside this one residence, decided to investigate.

They went to the front door and rang the bell.

The door opened and there stood a couple, stark naked,
staring at them.

"Look dear," said the man. "Aliens have come to visit us."
The Martians were invited in. "This is great," the man
told his wife. "It will be a new experience for both of us."
He told his wife to take the male Martian upstairs and
that he would take the female downstairs and - "Let's
get it on!"

The wife smiled, and told her husband, "You go ahead dear,
I'll come up later." So, her husband disappeared with the
female Martian. Meanwhile his wife stayed with the male
Martian.

"Well, shall we get it on?" asked the male Martian.
"No, I don't think so," replied the wife of the earthling.
"Why not, what's wrong?" asked the Martian.
"Please don't be offended, but by earth standards you're
just a bit too small to do much good."

"That's no problem," replied the Martian. He pulled on his
right ear and presto, his appendage grew to awesome
proportions. "Wow," said the female earhling, most impressed.
"But, well it's bigger, but still a bit on the thin
side." Again, no problem. The male Martian pulled on his
left ear - and his appendage grew in thickness to awesome
proportions. "OK, let's get it on," said the wife of the
earthling, most impressed.

Much later they all met in the lounge. "How was yours?" asked
the wife of her earthling husband. "She was allright," her
husband answered matter-of-factly. "How was your male Martian?"
asked the husband. "The best sex I've ever had!" replied the
wife grinning from ear-to-ear. "But what was wrong with yours
that it was only just 'allright'?" To which her husband
replied:

"She was a bit odd that female Martian.
She kept pulling on my ears all night!"

Dear Johan (OUG),

Thank You.

You've given me plenty to download -
and add to my collection.

Hi Foxy, many good and witty jokes here and I don't get on OLO as often as I have done so in past times. Nice to see you are still around.

The autumn years of the Lone Ranger and Tonto go something like this...
At their retirement home it is his birthday, and the Lone Ranger is on the verandah quietly rocking away in his chair opening Tonto's present. A book of American Indian translations. Tonto is by now making a slow getaway on his zimmer frame with a silly grin on his face. The Lone Ranger goes to the 'K' section and reads..."Kemosabe" - horses backside.

Dear Albie,

I'm glad that you're enjoying the jokes.
I am as well, and Thanks for your contributions,
and kind words.

Here's another one:

"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a
spectacularly gorgeous woman boarding the plane.
His prayers were answered. She took the seat right
beside him.

Eager to start up a conversation he
blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She smiled, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education
Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard trying to
maintain his composure and then asked, "What's your
business role at this Convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, what myths are those?" the man asked.
"Well, one is that African-American men are the most
endowned, when in fact it's the Native American
Indian. Another, is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,
when actually it's men of Jewish descent. We have
however found that the best potential lover in all
categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman blushed and became embarassed.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be discussing this with you.
I don't even know your name."

"It's Tonto," the man said.
"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

ohh dear..i..gotta say it..
pull..the other one...ahhh thats better..[better in..[the thread]..than out.

anyhow..motivated..to..search..
[cause why waste a post]..

did you know..their trying to teach computers
to 'get'..knock/knock jokes

http://www.collisiondetection.net/mt/archives/2007/09/_heres_an_inter.php

http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/sexjokes.html

Q: What’s the difference..between you and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid..and you don’t

Q: What do you call..mobile porn? A: Flash Drive

hope not that one
nor that one..[just heard it]
http://mistupid.com/jokes/page058.htm

ok..got it
http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/lvlymen.htm

i know..ya going to love it

Dear Johan (OUG),

Thanks for all your jokes.

For me this thread has now run it's course
(I've run out of jokes).

It's been fun for me and I hope for everyone
who has contributed.

Once again, Thanks very much and I hope to
see you all on another discussion.

All The Best.

even though
you..posted the first limerick elsewhere
i..needed to reply it here..;)

i thought..some limerick
/sic*

Lao Tsu wrote a book on the Tao,
That’s written to tell us just how,
To avoid pain and pleasure,..And live life at leisure,

By chasing the Here and the Now.

There was a young man who said, “God!
I find it exceedingly odd

That the tree that I see
Should just cease to be
When there's no-one..about in the quad.”

SAID god
..Young man, your astonishment's..odd.
I am always about..in the quad.
And that's why the tree
Will continue to be

As observed and advised..

Yours faithfully, God.

I once read the Buddha had said,
to all of the people he led,

“If you want to go higher,
Just end your desire,

And make sure your ego is dead.

#

There once was a New England farmer’,
Who heard of a thing..called the Dharma.

His spiritual needs,
Had planted the seeds,

And he reaped..a crop of good Karma!
#
the hulking hogan bogan speaks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE04WIB9V10&list=PLHQMwWIhNeqwYzbDmJuo-aczCcCnF80s0

Dear Johan (OUG),

I've just come across your post.
Again - Thank You for being so positive.
And on that note:

"Two men looked out from prison bars,
One saw the mud,
The other saw stars."

I guess it will always be thus.

that minds me...of..a poem..i read in..jail
[its not the..walls and bars..a prison make
but that..damm roof on top..

blocking off the rain/pain..yet again..
[i know..thats insane]..but i had many teachers

anyhow..a
bi-curr joke

big tough..hels angel..goes to dentist..

dentist looks into his gob..and says two teeth rotting..i can have them both out in half an hour..after thre medication..kicks in

[biker says..im..in a bit of a hurry
besides i only felt pain..twice in my life..
skip the needle ..and let it rip

so dentists..cuts gouges digs..pulls..
[joke has expanded..by life experience]

pokes and cuts..and presto..
one tooth..extracted..biker hasnt budged a blink
dentist is amazed..he says..mate i cant believe it..when..did you ever feel pain

biker says..well mate..we was..on..a run..with me on..me runs
i was desperate for a place to land..and get the load off

anyhow..found a bush finally..[even..had a bit of shade]
so squatted down..and bang]

[cla-baaaannnnggghuh]

a dingo-trap.caught up..me man bells
and i felt pain..[the doctor was amazed..feeling the pain[as men do]..even..if only..via the pain..of a joke]

he said..wow...
when..was..the other time..you felt..pain[again].

when..the safety chain..
on..the trap..ran..out..of slack..

wac*-
[crak..right back]

Dear Johan (OUG),

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in
our lives means the most to us, we often find
that it is those who, instead of giving advice,
solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share
our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and
tender hand."

Take care.

Humpty Dumpty..is..typically
portrayed..as..an anthropomorphic egg.

HOW DO..WE KNOW..he was..an eggg?

The first..recorded versions of the rhyme..date from late eighteenth century England..and the tune from 1870..in James William Elliott's National Nursery Rhymes and Nursery Songs...Its origins are obscured and..several theories..have been advanced..to suggest original meanings.

Lyrics..and melody

The rhyme is..one of.the best known..and most popular
in the English language...The most common..modern text is:

Humpty Dutifully..sat on the wall,
the wall..Humpty Dumpty..sat upon..had a great fall.
All the king's..horses..winches and cranes..and all the king's men..that came
Couldn't .put Humpty..back..together again.

An illustration..from Walter Crane's,
Mother Goose's Nursery Rhymes.(1877),.showing Humpty Dumpty..as a boy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:MotherGooseHumptyDumpty.jpg

The earliest..known version..was published
in Samuel Arnold's Juvenile/Amusements..in 1797.. with the lyrics:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Four-score Men and Four-score more,
Could not make..Humpty Dumpty..where he was before.[1]

A manuscript addition..to a copy
of Mother Goose's Melody published in 1803,
which has the modern version with a different last line:

"Could not set Humpty Dumpty up again".[1]
It was published in 1810..in a version of Gammer Gurton's Garland as:

Humpty Dumpty sate [sic] on a wall,
Humpti Dumpti [sic] had a great fall;
Threescore men and threescore more,
Cannot place Humpty dumpty as he was before.[6]

In 1842 James Orchard Halliwell
published a collected..version as;

Humpty Dumpty lay in a beck.
With all his sinews...around his neck;
Forty Doctors and forty wrights
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty..back..to rights![7]

the origin..of the rhyme to..a cannon..recorded as used from the church of St Mary-at-the-Wall by the Royalist..defenders in the siege of 1648.[17][not..one..of mans..highlights]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Colchester
http://www.thesealedknot.org.uk/knowbase/docs/0003_ColSeige.htm

In 1648 Colchester..The story given..was that a large cannon,
which the website claimed..was colloquially called Humpty Dumpty, was strategically..placed on the wall.>>

now cannon..has..a duel..meaning
[explored..at links[end]..but back to..humpty/dumpylink

A shot..from a Parliamentary cannon..[see Cromwell]..succeeded in damaging..the wall..beneath Humpty Dumpty..which caused..the cannon to tumble..to the ground.

The Royalists,..or Cavaliers,
ie.."all the King's men",...attempted to raise the..Humpty Dumpty [7,000lb canon]..on to another..part of the wall,..but because the cannon..was so heavy..*"All the King's horses..and all the King's men couldn't..put..the Humpity-cannon..[anon],,back..together again"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty

key word search
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Search&search=1648+writing+cannon+on+wall&fulltext=Search&redirs=0&profile=default

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1632_series

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oliver_Cromwell

Just read all of these lovely jokes, so here's a contribution'

A lady in Ireland visited the doctor,

"Dia duit, conas ta tu?" she says.

"Good morning, Mrs O'Flaithbherataigh, how are you?"

"Never better, Doctor, never better" (switching to English).

"Then how can I be of help?"

"Well I want to go on the pill"

"The Pill!! but you're over 60 aren't you?"

"Indeed I am; I'm 67".

"Mrs O'Flaithbheartaigh haven't you heard of the menopause?"

"Of course I have, but himself has got some of those Niagra tablets an' he's a man o' pause no longer".

And here's a local true story as related by a one time Editor of the paper "La Fiamma".

He had not long been in Australia and was feeling a bit homesick and lonely.
His English was impeccable in fact it was a bit to good.
He was from the island of Lesbos so put an add in a Sydney paper to the effect that he would like to meet some fellow Lesbians.

A couple of days later there was a knock at the door and when he opened it there were two young policemen, one of whom, after he'd asked his name, said, showing him the paper "Did you put this add in the paper?"
"Yes" he said "are you Lesbians?"

Fortunately the Constable realized that something was amiss and had a yarn and put him right on some aspects of English usage.

im..bored

#
Memory's Going
An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said,
"I don't need to write that down, I can remember that."

He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen
and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment
and said, "You forgot my toast."

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

*try to explain women

A man dies and goes to Heaven.
He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks,
"But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

*a long one..but well told
3 men..go to heaven
http://www.ahajokes.com/hea02.html

how..i/have..loved this.man
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/205.Robert_A_Heinlein

“Women..and..cats/will-do..as they..please,
and..men..and dogs/should..relax..and/get used-to..the idea.”

“Love..is/that..condition
in/which..the happiness/of..another person..is essential/to..your own.”

“Happiness..consists..in getting/enough sleep.
Just that,..nothing more.”

“I am free,..no matter/what..rules..surround me...If..I find/them tolerable,..I tolerate-them;..if I..find-them..too\obnoxious,..I break/them...I am-free..because..I know..*that..I..alone-am..morally responsible..*for..everything..I/do.”

*“Anybody.can look/at..a pretty-girl..and..see/a pretty-girl.
An artist..can look at..a pretty/girl..and see..the old woman.she will become...*A better artist..can look/at.an old woman..and see the pretty girl..that/she..used to be.

But..a great/artist-a..master-can..look at
an/old woman,..portray her..exactly as..she is...
and..*force..the viewer..*to see..the-pretty girl..she willed..2 be...

*Growing old..doesn't matter..to you..and..me;
we/were..never meant/to-be..admired-but..it does.to them.”

*“Don't..handicap/your..children
by making..their..lives..too.easy...or..too harsh”

“You..have.attributed/conditions..to villainy
that..simply/result..from stupidity.”

“Progress..isn't made/by..early risers.
It's..made/by..lazy-men..simply..trying/to..find easier-ways..to do something.”

“You can/have..peace...Or..you/can..have freedom.
Don't..ever count-on..having both..at once.”

“Never try/to..outstubborn..a cat.”

“There ain't..no-such..thing..as a..free-lunch.”

“Once a month,..some women..act/like..men act..all the time.”

“There/is.no worse..tyranny/than..to force..a man/to pay-for..what he does/not..want merely..because*..you think..it would-be.good.for him.”

“Writing is not.necessarily something..to/be..ashamed of,
but do-it in..private..and wash/your hands..afterwards.”

“Sin..lies..only-in..hurting..others unnecessarily.
All other.."sins"..are invented nonsense.”

*politeness,..of gentle manner,
is more..significant..than is a riot”

“Sex should-be friendly.
Otherwise..stick to..mechanical toys;..it's more sanitary.”

“I've found-out..why people laugh.
They laugh..because..it hurts so much
&..because..it's the/only-thing..that'll..make-it..stop hurting.”
&#8213;
“Never..try to..teach/a pig..to sing.
It's..a waste/of time..and..besides..it annoys/the pig.”

*“Always..listen to/experts.;They'll tell-you
what..can't be-done,..and why...Then..go ahead..and do it.”

*“There is..no such..thing as.."Just a....”

*“Do_not..confuse "duty"..with/what.other people..expect/of you;

*..Duty is a debt..you owe..to yourself..to fulfill
obligations..you have/assumed..voluntarily.

*Paying..that debt..can..entail anything..from years..of
patient work..to..instant willingness..to die...Difficult it may be, but..the reward..is self-respect...But..there is..no reward at all for..doing..what other/people..expect..of you,

So..learn to..say No—and..to be rude/about it

But let..the choice..be yours.
Don't do/it..because..it is..expected"..of you.)”

*“May you live..as long..as you wish
and..love..as long as..you live.”

*You can't..conquer a..free-man;
the most..you can do..is kill him.”

*“The/most..preposterous notion..that Homo-sapiens..has ever/dreamed up..is that..the Lord God/of Creation,..Shaper..and Ruler..of all the Universes,..wants*[nor demands]..the saccharine-adoration..of His created-creatures,

or..that..he..can be..swayed by/their prayers,..
and..becomes..petulant..if/He does not..receive this flattery...Yet this..absurd fantasy,..without..a shred/of..evidence..to bolster it,.."

“Almost..any sect,cult,or..religion/will legislate
its..creed into law..if it acquires..the political power..to/do-so.”

“How you behave..toward cats..here below
determines..your status..in Heaven.”

thank-you/Robert A. Heinleinman

OUG,

It's Robert A. Heinlein, just in case anyone wants to look him up.