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The Forum > Article Comments > The miracle of conception is no metaphor for some women > Comments

The miracle of conception is no metaphor for some women : Comments

By Monica Dux, published 15/12/2009

There is an ugly, modern trend towards blaming infertility on the sufferer.

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A friend recently went through the experience of cancer and she said one of the greatest difficulties during the process was dealing with the "positive brigade". The other was that you were no longer just another person but a person dealing with cancer - you become your illness.

I imagine the same occurs with infertility. You no longer have a normal life but a life devoted to having a baby and all the pressures and procedurs that incurs.

Having lived with a chronic disability for some years I can relate to some of these issues. It takes a while but at some point you just have to get on with your life the best you can, managing whatever it is that you have to manage; or deal with the concept of death should that be looming in the case of cancer.

It is not about apportioning blame or fault.

My husband and I decided if we couldn't have children we would do other things. I know it is not so easy for some, but sometimes you do just have to deal with the cards you're dealt ('scuse the cliche').

If the fertility industry provides some success then that is a viable option but it is not for everyone.
Posted by pelican, Wednesday, 16 December 2009 9:48:50 AM
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‘There is an ugly, modern trend towards blaming infertility on the sufferer.’

People do not ‘suffer’ infertility – it is not a painful condition like cancer. They may feel like they are suffering but it is not because of infertility it is because they have an irrational fear of not living up to the expectations of someone else. That stress is the real cause of their pain. No one can make you feel guilty. We feel guilt because we have done something which we think is wrong. It is not wrong to be infertile and much less so to ‘fail’ to make the right choices in fertility treatment.

There cannot be an ‘all consuming’ desire to get pregnant. There can be an all consuming desire to please one’s mother or others who want you to become pregnant. That is the real issue. Women who do not ‘succeed’ do not feel grief. They may feel very depressed because they have ‘failed’ those who want them to succeed but the real problem again is why those people have such a hold over them. Feeling ‘powerless and out of control’ is not necessarily a bad thing. We are powerless and out of control about many things but we just accept nature and move on.

If a couple cannot have children it just means that one option amongst life’s many options is closed to them. There is no reason to presume that life will be any less fruitful and enjoyable because of that. The problem is that for a great many people parenting is not just one of life’s options but it feels like an imperative because they are really trying to achieve something other than a close relationship with a child.
Posted by phanto, Wednesday, 16 December 2009 10:23:46 AM
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Pelican said: "The other was that you were no longer just another person but a person dealing with cancer - you become your illness."

I disagree with this, you don't become what someone tries to define you as unless you let them. The power lies in the hands of the person with the illness, to define how they react to it. I work in an environment where I meet many cancer patients and there is a vast range of responses to the situation, from utter helplessness to complete refusal to be bowed by it.

Pelican said: "I imagine the same occurs with infertility. You no longer have a normal life but a life devoted to having a baby and all the pressures and procedurs that incurs."

Again, individuals choose how to respond. If it is important to you to have children, and you can't naturally, then by all means go ahead and do IVF, and all the rigmarole it entails. No-one is holding a gun to your head and no-one sensible thinks less of you for not doing it, contrary to the author's views. And if they do, who cares? Parenthood is not the be-all-and-end-all for everyone.

Pelican said: "If the fertility industry provides some success then that is a viable option but it is not for everyone."

Exactly, not for everyone, but there for those who want it.
Posted by stickman, Wednesday, 16 December 2009 1:55:37 PM
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benk,

'Some people won't stop until we cannot criticise any woman at any time for any reason.'

ROFL. Indeed! I love the author's use of quotes in 'choice'. Vintage victim speak. Of course, no woman ever has any choices, they're all victims of 'societal expectations'.

pelican,

I like the cliché 'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'.

Being someone who embraces and encourages chaos wherever I can, I do see the authors broader point about modern control freaks.

My mother recently died of cancer, and she was always bemused how everyone was supposedly fighting a 'battle' with cancer or were a 'hero' just for having cancer. "Are you a 'fighter', or one of those wussy losers who let the cancer kill you? " she used to laugh.

Sells,

I know what you mean, I see billboards all the time with 'Jesus has all the Answers'. They're the equivalent of those inspirational posters like 'destiny' and such. The churches are a bit late on that, these 'inspirational' messages have been mocked remorselessly for the cheap and tacky slogans that they are for years.
Posted by Houellebecq, Wednesday, 16 December 2009 4:22:46 PM
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Howler, stickman, phanto, benk; Yes, all true but you still missed the real point of the issue, that the author was trying to spin everybody away from.

Which is that infertility IS half the sufferers fault & half caused by femanazism. Hard medical evidence dictates that the ideal child bearing & rearing years for all females, is the late teens & early twenties. The stats for everything negative, infertility, deformities, difficulty & death in child birth, etc, start going south from age 27 to 33. After this point natural conception is a miracle & all manner of horrible deformities/disabilities are commonplace.

But wait, the femanazi fairies waved their magic wands and said the magic words "women can do anything", "women can have it all". Go forth into the workplace, be guinea pigs, engage in social engineering, show those male chauvinist pigs that women can be "wage slaves" too.

Just ignore those "old wives tales" from midwives about the high incidence of all medical problems from attempting pregnancy after age 33, the taxpayers can provide horribly expensive high tech medicine like IVF & if it's horribly deformed, with little or no quality of life, the taxpayers can provide a disability pension for all of it's painful, miserable life.

Everywhere you look, everything that has gone wrong in modern, western, (especially English speaking) societies, the root cause is femanazism.
Posted by Formersnag, Wednesday, 16 December 2009 5:33:34 PM
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Women get paid less than men for equal work. In many parts of the world women do not have equal access to education. In many parts of the world women do not have an equal voice to that of men in political and personal decisions. Until this equality is remedied there is a reason for a feminist movement.
Posted by david f, Wednesday, 16 December 2009 6:20:38 PM
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